Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Well I Dont.

I don’t believe in Tradition I despise the term “that’s the way we have always done it.” This applies more to “away from home” then anything else. A tradition within one’s own home has a different set of values set to it.

I don’t believe in Politics the same way atheists don’t believe in God. I see a bunch of people running around fooling themselves about a governmental system that works. Hogwash. The rich will always make the rules and the voices of many will be drowned out by the thoughts of few. (Ooh, that’s rather profound! I like that! I’m going to have to check Bartlett’s and make sure no one else has said that.)

I don’t believe in Luck. I want to, I really do! However, if I did I would have to believe that I do not have any. No. Strike that. I would have a negative amount.

I do not believe in Destiny. Everything is random and time is fluid. One wrong turn can make or break a lifetime. (Yet another pithy quote! Somebody needs to be writing these down.)

I don’t believe that the Bible is complete. The book is too old and too full of radical ideals to have been able to stand the test of time without Kings and Popes sticking their grubby paws in to muddle the works.

I don’t believe in organized Religion. I believe in God and the Lord Jesus Christ, but I don’t shove my beliefs down other people’s throats. I just believe that what we call religion today has been warped and perverted from what it once was and what it should be.

I don’t believe in Evolution OR Creationism. Actually, I believe in Evolution AND Creationism. It says that God created the heavens and the earth but not HOW. It says there was a Garden of Eden and an Outside of a Garden of Eden. A perfect place to grow dinosaurs and Neanderthal man.
I guess you could call it Createulution (kree-ate-uh-loo-shun).

I don’t believe that anyone has the Right to tell me what I can or cannot do in the privacy of my own home. With one caveat, as long as it does not endanger or infringe on someone else’s rights. For instance, prostitution. The only reason it is illegal is that it was deemed as immoral. You should not be able to legislate morality.

SIDEWAYS: I wonder if you could create a diplomatic immunity shoe. A shoe that has the soil from your native country embedded in the sole, either by a layer injected into a false bottom or by just creating the sole out of the soil of your homeland. That way no matter where you went you were standing on American soil.

A tsunami.. of beer


What might seem like the descending of heavenly paradise on earth turned out quite differently for Londoners in the fall of 1814. Following an accident at the Meux’s Horse Shoe Brewery a tidal wave of beer washed down the streets of Tottenham bringing death and destruction.

World’s largest beer barrel

This peculiar history begins with a party at the Meux’s Brewery where a grand dinner had been organized to celebrate the construction of a giant vat capable of holding 3555 barrels - 610,000 litres - of beer. Being 22 feet tall and having a diameter of 60 feet the vat was in fact so large that the dinner was celebrated within the vat itself which held a staggering 200 guests, the goal being to outdo a competitor who constructed a vat in which he managed to fit 100 guests.

After the dinner workers started filling the vat to it’s full capacity unaware of a faulty supporting hoop that would lead to disaster. With the vat unable to withstand the immense pressure of more than half a million litres of beer a rupture was inevitable. Violently bursting through the brewery the wave of beer caused a chain reaction rupturing other vats releasing a total of 1,470,000 litres of beer onto the streets of Tottenham. victorian-london-poverty

Disaster and blessing

As a small lake of beer made it’s way through the streets of London buildings collapsed and cellars flooded burying people with rubble and drowning them in beer. The violent event was heard up to 5 miles away and Londoners flocked to the disaster area where they found.. free beer!

Rescue workers hurrying to the area were delayed by the drunken masses drinking the beer directly off the roads. When they arrived on the scene they found a tsunami of dark beer had drowned, poisoned and buried people with rubble. As beer-soaked victims were rushed into the hospital the smell of beer led the patients on other wards to believe beer was served for all patients except for them. Not accepting this apparent injustice they started a riot in the hospital which increased the number of wounded even further. Let me repeat that, they started a riot because they smelled beer and "thought" they were being gypped.

gin-lane-soho Following the disaster the company found itself before a court which ruled the disaster to be an ‘Act of God’ which effectively meant no one was responsible. In fact the company was actually allowed to retrieve the taxes it had paid over the beer in advance.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Umm... yeah. wOw.

Shrek Wedding is Hillarious

shrek wedding Shrek Wedding is Hillarious

Shrek fans will eat their heart out, knowing that someone has taken their dream, idea and the beautiful Fiona and decided to have a Wedding theme of the popular animated film.

While many may dream of amazing Wedding themes, only few actually go out and do it. This couple though really hit it right, both reenacting the Shrek film and also looking really similar to the crude characters. I am sure some producer would love to make a documentary of the film, a Shrek reality series, or even bringing Shrek away from animation. Either or, I think this fairytale couple really delivers the goods.

I must say that I am green with envy and would wish I had the courage to carry on such a feat. It seems more than just for looks but a whole lot of fun.Check out the gallery for great images of the lovely Shrek and Fiona.

shrek wedding 140x140 Shrek Wedding is Hillarious real shrek 140x140 Shrek Wedding is Hillarious shrek and fiona 140x140 Shrek Wedding is Hillarious shrek and fiona wedding 140x140 Shrek Wedding is Hillarious shrek fiona wedding 140x140 Shrek Wedding is Hillarious

Via: Geekologie

Sunday, April 26, 2009

a lil flag waving

OK at my job they provide me with all the tools I need to do my job.

Computer, fluffy chair, desk, pens, light, mojitos, heat AND cool.

Whatever I need.. (OK no mojitos, but thats OK)

why then do we send military reserves over seas without a pot to piss in?

Not even Tupperware!

If I work for a company that, in the course of my duties for said company, I am going to be shot at I kinda want some protection and I am not talking about a Trojan.

Sideways: Seeing Trojan Man appear on the sand dunes of a battlefield would be rather funny.

Why cant the US GOVT provide freakin body armor for the guy who works part time at WalMart and is now pulling sand outta his shorts wondering what the HELL HAPPENED???

It just makes good business sense for one.

When Bobby from Beaverton catches a slug in his sternum, you are just going to have to replace him. Now this new guy is going to have to learn all the stuff Bobby already knew ( where to clean yourself up after you shit your pants, the best sock for soaking up urine and how to cry softly in the night wanting nothing more then to just go the fuck back home).

Secondly, if the Government sends them there they need to provide the tools they need to do their job.

“sorry guys, I cant come to the war today. I haven't received my body armor yet. The FEDEX guy was killed at the airport.”

There is NO WAY I would, being a private citizen, provide my own tools for such a sucky job.

These guys are defending our way of life and we cant spare some shit they actually need. What the hell are you spending my money on then.

Oh thats right.

In this country if you fuck up royally the government bails you out.

My money is keeping a company running while the guy that works there just got a new double-sided belly button.

Sorry Mom, Bobby's not coming home for Christmas because AIG needs 2ply toilet paper in the restroom. 1Ply is just too scratchy.

Come on Bama!

If you are gonna bail someone out bail out the ones who really need it.

The guys who are running virtually naked through the swarms of bullets and the families that raised him so he could be there.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Whoa is I

2009 has not been the greatest of years.
I want a do over.
Break out the grey and black funny hats and the noise makers that BLAT like a funeral dirge. It’s time for my Pity Party.

In the past 6 months

* Had my furnace thermocouple replaced (furnace is just 4 years old)
* Lost $300 into the great beyond. Don’t know where it went.
* I had my inner being turned into a warm goo (good thing) then frozen , smashed, burned and pee’d upon (bad thing)
* My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer.
* My wife had 2 surgeries to remove said cancer.
* My hot water heater thermocouple went out (which is just 4 years old too).
* My Grandmother on my dad’s side lost an eye to glaucoma and I will be surprised if she makes it through the year.
* My Grandmother on my mom’s side is failing faster and faster. She is a tough old bird but nothing lasts forever.


These are just the highlights over all the pointless drivel that smashes one about the head and face on a daily basis.

On second thought never mind.
Party is canceled. (Well except for the cake. You can NEVER cancel cake. It’s like a law or something.)

Just gonna cowboy up and travel on.

Well, after I finish my cake that is.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Did You Know

Before I did anything else today I wanted to share this with you.

Have a day.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Stewart Lived Through Three Lightning Strikes

Lifestyle guru Martha Stewart is on high alert at home whenever the skies cloud over - she has been struck by lightning three times while hiding out from storms.

Stewart has lived to survive a series of frightening electrical shocks, while cooking and making crafts around her homes in New England.

Recalling the incidents, she says, "I was hit in a little house in Littlefield, Massachusetts, while I was standing at the sink... I was washing dishes and it hit me in my stomach.

"The second time, I was talking... on the telephone and light came through my skylight in Westport, Connecticut. (Another time) I was holding on to a metal stand. I let go and the lightning came back out through my foot."

But Stewart has brushed off the shocking occurrences, and insists her body is simply a bizarre conductor of electricity.

She adds, "Some people attract electrical things, I do... You can get electrocuted and not die.

OK how many hints do you need before you go "hmm maybe God is trying to tell me something."

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Harry Potter Brings London To A Standstill

21 April 2009 9:20 AM, PDT

The stars of Harry Potter caused chaos on the streets of London on Monday night, when they stopped traffic to film scenes for the latest movie.

Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson and Rupert Grint were all on-set in the U.K. capital to shoot an action sequence for the first instalment of two-part film Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, which is due for release next year.

The actors, along with 400 extras, took over London's famous Piccadilly Circus and the surrounding roads to film scenes in a cafe and on the streets.

Watson, who plays clever Hermione Granger in the wizard franchise, was wearing a glamorous red dress and heels, while Radcliffe and Grint, who play Harry Potter and his best friend Ron Weasley, both donned smart suits for the scenes.

EUREKA moment

I was just remembering a time of my own great ingenuity.

It was my very first day at a new job and I was sitting in an orientation class. Pretty soon, my stomach started burning.
Heartburn and it was a monster.
I sat there for a bit hoping it would subside and drank some water in the hopes of diluting it.
Yeah, that wasn’t happening. It felt like I was in the process of burning a whole straight through my chest cavity. I really didn’t want an extra hole in my body at the time. I really couldn’t see the usefulness of a fist sized gaping wound.
I sat that and thought about it.
I didn’t have any antacids and I did not have access to them.
and thought about it.
I was not going to last 6 more hours with this lump smoldering in my chest.
and thought about it.

Finally, the light bulb went off.
OK! If heartburn is directly related to the acid produced by the stomach and an antacid’s purpose is to chemically diffuse said acid then it made sense that if I could swallow something porous enough it would help absorb the acid and diffuse it as well.
Looking at the items on hand, I really didn’t have many options.
I thought first of graphite. If I ate a pencil lead that would work. The graphite should work as an antacid. Alas, not a pencil to be found. In addition, I did not think it would look well if the “new guy” was eating a pencil like a goat. I figured drug testing and psych evaluations wouldn’t be too far behind.

Paper!! I had a whole notebook of paper.
It was fibrous and porous enough to do the job.
With nothing to lose, I started pulling strips off a sheet of paper and started eating. 10 minutes and 1 8x10 sheet of lined paper later, the heartburn was gone.

I was rather proud of myself for my ingenuity in a crisis.

Have you ever had a moment of brilliant deduction as well?
Talk to me.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Here's where it gets weird.

This is my rock.

I don’t remember where I picked it up at (I think my son might?).
I carry this as part of my pocket litter. Everywhere.
When I leave the house, it goes in my pocket.
I am not emotionally attached to my rock; it’s just something I have.
When need something to do with my hands I rub the rock with my thumb.
It’s my thinking rock.
I guess you could say that in one aspect it has become a totemic item for me

When getting ready for work, my pocket litter consists ALWAYS of
1. 2 dollars in quarters (I have found that 2 dollars is the perfect amount to carry. It is always 2 dollars and always just quarters. If I don’t have 2 dollars in quarters I carry no change, if I have more then 2 dollars in quarters I just carry 2 dollars.)
2. A handkerchief (I used to have bad allergies, now it’s just habit.)
3. My wallet (mostly for ID, I rarely have money to go in it. I do carry a squished out penny from the Excalibur hotel in Vegas. My dad made it in Vegas and gave it to my Grandmother. She gave it to me after he went to the clearing at the end of the path.*)
4. A lighter (usually 2, depends on the weather. More pockets mean more lighters.)
5. Cigarettes (I know, I know. I don’t even smoke THAT much. On a heavy stressful day, it might reach 7 on a good day 3or4)
6. My pain meds.(I don’t like to be caught "elsewhere" without them. hurts too much to not take them and I hate having to stop everything and everyone just due to me.)
7. My rock

My almost always list would include the items above and also be
A. My Cellphone
B. A pocketknife
C. My Keys (with USB drive attached)
D. My MP3 player (usually only audio books on it, I rarely listen to music in the car)

Does this make me odd?
Yeah, probably.
Don’t care.
I like me.
I would like me to be a more active and have more energy but I am dealing and coping with that.
I think looking at me now, you would be hard pressed to believe that I used to be hyper.
I don’t just mean "wow, look at the energy on that one!" hyper
I mean
"Holy Fuck, someone shoot him with a tranq dart!" hyper
Now I am rambling
I can’t find the door out of here.
Shutting up.

* If you know where that is from then I say long days and pleasant nights to you.

I am a Trekker (God, save me.)

How to Tell A Trekker From A Trekkie

A Trekker wears a starfleet uniform to a convention because it's fun.
A Trekkie wears a starfleet uniform to a convention because s/he has heard that it is in style at the academy.

A Trekker has a Starfleet Academy window sticker on his car.
A Trekkie is cramming for the entrance exams.

A Trekker meets Marina Sirtis/Gates McFadden at a convention, tells her how pretty he thinks she is, that it is too bad she is married or he would ask her out.
A Trekkie meets Deanna Troi/Dr. Crusher at a convention, tells her how pretty he thinks she is, and asks her if she is still seeing Riker (Picard, some alien patient, et al).

A Trekker loves watching the show, nitpicking and discussing it with friends.
A Trekkie loves watching those documentaries filmed aboard the Enterprise.

A Trekker thinks Wil Wheaton was a lucky kid who got to play a kid on Star Trek.
A Trekkie thinks that Wesley Crusher was a lucky kid who got to sit on the bridge.

A Trekker thinks that it is a shame that the show is coming to an end.
A Trekkie thinks that it is a shame that the crew is being reassigned and the Enterprise is being decomissioned.

A Trekker knows that there are gaping holes in the technology, but ignores them and enjoys the show.
A Trekkie can't wait for the price to come down on those home food replicator units.

A Trekker buys pips for the rank s/he wants to be.
A Trekkie wonders why he is constantly passed over for promotion.

A Trekker tells his/her new girl/boyfriend that s/he really likes Star Trek.
A Trekkie's new girl/boyfriend is an underclassman at the academy.

Thursday, April 16, 2009


Well I know whats going on my Christmas List.

Wow is probably the first thought that came into mind. Surely these are just computer generated images? Wrong…your looking at the upcoming Joker figure from Hot Toys, the debut figure of their Movie Masterpiece Deluxe line! Everything about this toy blows my mind. The skin and eyes look so realistic. The attention to detail and quality of his clothing is outstanding.

The Toy-Giant is all set to release Deluxe line collectible action figures of characters with Joker as its first Movie Master-piece entrant. The makers had planned to release it in “early 2009″ and I think it would be better to not stretch dates any further. These will sell as hot cakes, so you better make a pre-release order if such option exists.











Props to: Flylyf

Wednesday, April 15, 2009


Dear anonymous,
You whine and dictate about someone else’s life adventures on their blog without putting a face to yourself. I will give you the attention you so obviously crave by answering to you here on my blog. Primarily is the cliché advice of “If you don’t like it turn the channel.” Secondly, who has given you the right to condemn/council the way someone else has chosen to live his or her life? Each person is given a life to run the way they see fit and no one else has any right to interfere with their choices. Sure, the people who blog may not be 100% the same as they are in real life. To confuse the two is sheer idiocy. The whole reason for a person to blog is, at heart, a creative one. To come to one’s blog and then to spend the time spouting off about how a person is wrong in what they believe and say is a complete waste of time. You obviously have come and have read what the person wishes to share, which is all that the blogger has desired in the first place. Do you read a book (you know, those hard square things that lurk in libraries waiting to attack with various ideas and opinions) and then write to the author to tell them you did not enjoy their work and that they should adapt more to your way of thinking?

Now, let me address your remarks directly here
I leave my remarks under "anonymous" for several reasons. For one, I"m not really sure what good it add to give you my real name. What is the point in that? I don't really see a reason to simply give my name because you just "want" to know it. What constructive would come out of it? I think you know that answer to that.—Like I said previously, it’s easy to point fingers if there is no face to put to the fingers. Basically what you are doing is creating graffiti (blogffiti?). Make yourself a persona if you need to but staying anonymous really puts no credence to your words. They lack all meaning.

Also I am not the one writing out blogs and talking about my life and giving the people the impression that the way I live my life is fun. The girl you writes this blog knows it isn't. She is scared to death. If you know here in real life then you know that. She doesn't like the person she sees in the mirror, and the people who read this blog deserve to know that.
Don't be fooled by what you read on this blog, and the person the writer wants you to think she is.--- But you are the one who is reading the blog and commenting on it. Why do we, as readers, “need to know” anything outside of the person’s words from their blog? Simply put, we are here to read the blog. I have absolutely no desire to know what Stephen King had for lunch last Tuesday or his feelings on world politics, but that doesn’t stop me from reading his books. This entire paragraph is dictated by your opinion, which you are indeed entitled to have. However, your opinion is rather derogatory toward this person and her choice of living. It sounds like you have a personal vendetta toward this person and if that is the case then playing peekaboo on their blog really isn’t the strongest card for you to play.

The life she lives is no live to live. This is why at her age no man will stay committed to her. Why would they? They only want to use her, no man will respect a girl that lives her life like this.
– Did you not notice the part where the author is in the “20 something” arena? The life she is leading is that of a 20 something. What? Do you expect her to be expounding about the benefits of adding Vitamin C to her diet and the highlights of her 401k. Maybe the bankroll she pulled in at bingo last night or why “Matlock” is so hot? She is in her 20’s. She is living and experiencing new and different life adventures. That is what the 20’s are for. You have to be able to taste life before deciding what flavor you want.

Also look at the friends she links to with blogs. They write blogs with much of the same content. Look how lonely they all seem to. Several divorced. Does life seem to be working out for these people? To me it seems like they live lives full of pain.—A personal unprovoked attack on her interests and friends? Tsk-tsk, that is rather low and unchristian of you. I have read these blogs and I don’t see pain and loneliness. I see young people sharing their excitement about the world they are experiencing. I see people venting their frustrations and reveling in each other’s victories.

Now, just so we are clear here, PGALC barely knows my name and more then likely couldn’t care less whether I was dead or alive. She does not need me defending her in any way possible and even if she did need defending, it certainly would not be me that she would turn to.
I have taken time out of my day to address this because

A. I am bored.

#2. I strongly disagree with everything you said and, by association, everything you stand for.

So, to recap.

Fuck off.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009


Do you know what a Myoclonic Jerk is?
No. it is not a rude person who inspects your colon.

This term denotes a common experience with sudden contractions of the body muscles while falling asleep. This mostly causes a feeling of stumbling, falling or similar and subsequently waking up again. Usually, the brain will also incorporate this into a dream or pre-dream to induce the jerk in the body (Anything from stepping off a curb to falling out of a plane)
The exact cause is not known. That is refreshing to know that the brain has been around all this time and we haven’t a clue as to all the inner workings of it. It’s like owning a car for 10 years and still not knowing how to open the trunk.
The most common assumption is that there is some disturbance in the brain's functions in the first stage of sleep. It is rather common, and does not cause serious problems unless it stops you from sleeping. Usually it will just wake you up if anything.

A professor said something to this like:
"’re heart rate gets very slow, and your breathing slows down quicker than normal. You brain may interpret this as your body dying, so it sends an electrical pulse to your muscles. Like a jump-start. This is similar to a Night Terror, when you wake up absolutely terrified about something, but have no idea why...."
I do this every single night. Sometimes it will be just a foot that twitches or sometimes (and these are the ones that crack Wildcat up) My body will jerk so hard that I will actually leave the surface of the bed and become airborne. The covers fly away and pillows are scattered.
I don’t even have to exaggerating either, it is that forceful.
It’s as if every single muscle in my body decides it needs to be in another part of the house IMMEDIATELY.
I splay, my friends I splay rather forcefully.

I splay so damn hard that it will cause shortness of breath and tears to form.

In my wife

From laughing.

at me.
( I'll show her! I snore so damn loud I will wake myself up.)

Monday, April 13, 2009

This is a motorcycle helmet

I don't even know how to ride a motorcycle ( I know, completely kills my "cool guy" persona) but I would love to see one of these on the road. Of course you would need some sort of matching leather coat to go with it.


These are DOT-approved (or at least were) motorcycle helmets crafted by a Brazilian artist who uses "animal teeth, fangs, bones, and hairs besides fines stones from the Amazon river" to make these $100 helmets. [via I, Gizmodo]

I thought it was cool.

Turn Face Pictures Into A Talking 3D Characters

PhotoFace is an online tool using which you can turn face picture into a talking 3D character and send it to your friends and relatives. The application converts uploaded image into 3D and synchronizes it with a audios you add. You can also manipulate 3D face with some fun effects and emotions.

There is no sign up and the process is straightforward, simply upload your image, add audio and effects, preview it and then forward to any email address.


Send original and fun messages with talking 3d avatars.
Send as many messages as you like.
Upload your own image or use one on the site.
Manipulate 3D character by deforming them and adding fun effects and emotions.
Add audios. Audios can be added in following ways: text to speech, record by mic, upload pre recorded audio, record by phone.
Free and no registration.

Saturday, April 11, 2009


This is news?
Come on!!!
I want my 30 seconds back I spent on reading this fluff.
It doesn't matter that I read this at IMDB, which is covered in fluff, what matters is
I don't blame the celebrity, they are just living their lives.
It's the bile sucking paparazzi and the greedy media outlets who feel that the dim witted Americans really have a need to know what shoe size Jim Belushi is currently strapping to him feet.
Come on already people! Stop buying these rags and live your own life. Stop living in Demi Moore's or whomever floats your fantasy at the time.

Applegate Caught Smoking

9 April 2009 6:30 PM, PDT

Actress Christina Applegate has shocked fans after she was photographed smoking a cigarette just months after fighting off cancer.

The Anchorman star underwent a double mastectomy after learning she had breast cancer - and she quit smoking immediately.

But her nicotine habit has proven too strong - and Applegate was spotted smoking in Los Angeles on Wednesday.

A source tells news show The Insider, "Christina had been a smoker for quite some time. She stopped smoking when she received her health news last year but, as everyone knows, it's difficult to break an addictive smoking habit.

"Considering all the stress she's had over the years, she had that occasional weak moment which has led to the occasional cigarette. We need to remember she's only human."

Who says nothing good ever cums from Kansas

Former Miss USA Kelli McCarty Does Hardcore

Miss USA 1991, Kelli McCarty, also known for her seven year run as Beth Wallace on the NBC soap opera Passions, has debuted in her first adult film, Vivid's Faithless. This is the first time a Miss USA winner has performed in porn.

In this Paul Thomas feature, McCarty plays a superhot stepmom who sleeps with her stepdaughter's (Daisy Marie) boyfriend (Voodoo), but the deceit doesn't stop there. It turns out her husband, Danny (Steven St Croix), has also been unfaithful. Given Kelli's 12 year mainstream acting career, I expect nothing less than a superb performance from her in Faithless.

Below is a video clip of Kelli McCarty winning the 1991 Miss USA Pageant, as a blonde. Donald Trump, eat your heart out!

(There was a video here but YouTube took it back. Not a "by your leave" not a "I'm sorry" cupcake.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

“I said BOAT plug you dipshit”

When I was but a lad in High School my friend (Mr. Smith) and I decided to head to nearby El Dorado Lake and do some camping and fishing with his parents and little brother. We were taking their Bass Boat too. Now I have been in many boats but at this time, I had no idea of the ins and outs of the whole boat vehicle.
Well as was the norm with Mr. Smith and his kin, we had all day to go and didn’t get moving until late. This gets us to the late at dusk.
What a wonderful time to be setting up camp and putting a boat into the lake.
OK so we back the truck and trailer down to the lake using a combination of flashlights, lanterns, fireflies and good ol’ fashioned luck.
His dad backs the trailer TOO far and sinks the trailer into the lake. Oh well.
We just use that as an opportunity to unfasten the boat and let it float free.
Luckily, the truck and trailer are able to pull free from the lakes pull and off his dad and brother go to the campsite.
Mr. Smith and I hop in this bass boat and head off into the dark murky depths of El Dorado Lake.
We are tooling down the lake with Mr. Smith piloting our excursion when I realize...
“Hmm my foot is sloshy?”
I look down with my flashlight and see that my foot is resting in a couple of inches of water.
“There’s some water here.” I yell over the motor to my bud.
“That’s normal.” he yells back and grins a big toothy grin.
I let my flashlight follow this trail of water back to the back of the boat and there I see about 2 feet of water. Moreover, it’s growing!
I tap him on the arm and gesture to the back with the flashlight.
“Is that normal too?” I asked, genuinely interested in the answer.
“FUCK” was his retort.
Then the rational thinking kicks him.
“OK if I go really fast to the campsite that should drag the water out of the boat and get us there quicker.”
“Quicker?” I ask
“Yeah before we sink!”
“FUCK” was my retort (I am quick like that.)
So, off down the lake we go but this scientific principal is just not working as I watch the back of the boats rail and the lake getting closer and closer together.
SIDENOTE: Stuff like this would happen to us on a regular basis so neither of us was panicking. We were both acting rather nonchalant, like sinking in a boat in the middle of a lake was an everyday occurrence for both of us.

Pretty soon, it is rather apparent that this is not working at all. It was at that time I noticed (my shins now under water) a small black doo-hickey floating past me.
“What’s this thingy?” I asked Mr. Smith as I hold it up to the light to see it better.
“That would be the boat plug” He yells back over the straining motor.
“EW.” I yell and drop it back into the water “What the hell is it doing in the boat?”
“I said BOAT plug you dipshit” He laughs back at me. “We forgot to put it in!”
Therefore, while Captain Smith pilots our soon to be submarine it is now my job to try to reinsert the BOAT plug into the hole.
It’s dark, I am drenched, and standing in 3 feet of rising water, trying to insert this little plug into a hole, I do not or have never seen before in my life.
“IT WONT GO IN!” I scream to him.
“Don’t Panic!” He yells back “just keep trying!”
“I’m not panicking! I am in the process of drowning in a boating accident!” I yell back but diligently go back to trying to find this hidden hole.
With resignation, I give up on trying to stay remotely dry and really get down there with both hands and finally find this mysterious hole and insert the plug. Quite pleased with myself I drop back into my seat and give Mr. Smith th3e thumbs up. Mission accomplished.
“Go take it back out now!” He yells to me.
“Go take it out and I will go really fast to drain the water out”
“That doesn’t work!”
“This time it will. Just do it”
So back to the water-laden stern I go mumbling to myself about magical plugs who defy physics and morons driving boats fast, etc, etc.
We then spent the next 15 minutes with me inserting and removing this boat plug as “speed racer” tries all kinds of speeds and figure eights and loop-de-loops, trying to draw this lake back out of the boat. We give up our shenanigans and I reinsert the plug one final time. As I plop down back into my seat wet and tired and cold and wet some more. My bud, Mr. Smith then reaches over and flips a switch on the dashboard and a loud humming noise starts up from the back of the boat.
“What the hells that noise?” I ask swiping my head back and forth trying to find the source.
“That’s just the pump.” He replies.
“The pump?” I ask back turning slowly to face him, my eyes becoming slits and my lips tightening into a straight line.
“Yeah! It’s a bilge pump to remove water from the boat.”

We drove in silence the rest of the way to the campsite.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

I would buy this

Tauntaun Sleeping Bag

This high-quality sleeping bag looks just like a Tauntaun, complete with saddle, internal intestines and glowing lightsaber zipper pull. Now when your kids tell you their favorite Star Wars movie is “Attack of the Clones” you can nestle the wee-ones snug in simulated Tauntaun fur while regaling them with the amazing tale of “Empire Strikes Back”.

Use the glowing lightsaber zipper pull on the Tauntaun sleeping bag to illustrate how Han Solo saved Luke Skywalker from certain death in the freezing climate of Hoth by slitting open the belly of a dead Tauntaun and placing Luke inside the stinking (but warm) carcass. If your kids don’t change their tune on which Star Wars film is the greatest ever, you can do your best Jar Jar impression until they repent.

Link -via Unique Daily

Ok so this is not a REAL item you can purchase. It is a joke offer set up by the ThinkGeek site. Dammit!! I would so totally* buy this. maybe even 2.
and yes I truly am that big of a DORK.

* There's that damn word again. dammittttttt.

No soup for you.

If I were King

I know I have mentioned this before, I just wwanted to add some detail to the idea.

I would totally* change the prison system.
First off, every sentence just became harsher. What was 1 year is now 3 year, 3 years is now 5 years, etc. The local prison would hold all the little prisoners. The “I cheated on my taxes” type of criminal. No luxuries at all, though. No heat, no air, no cable, cheap food. You want better accommodations then you have to work your way up to them by helping the community while serving your term. Basically it would be like the prisoner would have 2 jobs. Serving the community and taking care of the prison (laundry, cooking, etc.). The way I see it is if a working mother of 3 can hold down 2 jobs while taking care of her kids, then a prisoner should be expected to do no less. They could put their current skills to work (accounting, lawyers, doctors, all doing pro bono work) or they can put their backs into it to build homeless shelters and feeding the homeless, repairing roads and stuff like that.

For the worse criminals it would be an offer of serve your term in the military (especially at war time.) or I would have one HUGE ASS prison built in the middle of the desert. This way the prisoner can either actually make something of himself or suffer in one of the worst crap holes in existence. It would be a bare bones prison but worse and nothing around for miles and miles. This would be to encourage the prisoner to sign up for the military where they can be put to good use. If they die in combat, then their sentence is over. If they servive combat maybe they can actually become a worthwhile member of society.

Now for the “big bads”. The serial killers, pedophiles, murderers and such they get to play “The Game”. The Game would be on a remote island somewhere with cameras everywhere. It would be just like the movie “The Running Man”. You survive X amount of days without dying of heat, lack of food, being hunted or the island killing you and you have get “The Ticket”. Winners of the ticket get paroled (or the choice of becoming Hunters on the Island).

However, you can only play the game once. If you end up in a position where you are eligible for the game again, then they just push you out of a plane into the middle of the ocean. That will save money from housing inmates for ungodly amounts of years and also serve to help the ecosystem as they feed the sharks and stuff with their nutrient filled bodies.

Too Harsh? Maybe but if you don’t like then DON’T GET SENT TO PRISON.

*I Freakin, Frakin HATE that this word has entered my vocabulary.

Freetime, freetime

Tolkien's City of Kings made from matchsticks

 Images Mt1815Web
Marvelous matchstick artist Patrick Acton - maker of the matchstick Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, matchstick battleship, matchstick Notre Dame, and dozens of other sculptures - is currently building a model of JRR Tolkien's City of Kings from the Lord of the Rings. He expects the model to be completed next year. Acton is proprietor of the Matchstick Marvels Tourist Center in Gladbrook, Iowa and you can also see many of his models online. Matchstick Marvels

Monday, April 6, 2009

Household Hints

Blood Pillow

april fools day pranks 6 12 April Fools Day Pranks and Gadgets

Try this one on the weak hearted! This is a pillow design that in some images looks too damn real. It simply presents the person sleeping as if they have been shot in the head and are having major blood loss.

april fools day pranks 7 12 April Fools Day Pranks and Gadgets

As funny as this could be, it could also bring someone quite a shock…especially a loving mother, so please use as much as possible.