Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I'm sorry but this shit is funny

The Sh*t List

The Ghost Sh*t
The kind where you feel sh*t come out, see sh*t on the toilet paper, but there’s no sh*t in the bowl.

The Clean Sh*t
The kind where you feel sh*t come out, see sh*t in the bowl, but there’s no sh*t on the toilet paper.

The Wet Sh*t
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don’t ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

The Second Wave Sh*t
This sh*t happens when you’ve finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to sh*t some more.

The Brain Hemorrahage Through Your Nose Sh*t
Also known as “Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Sh*t”. You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

The Corn Sh*t
No explanation necessary.

The Lincoln Log Sh*t
The kind of sh*t that’s so enormous you’re afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

The Notorius Drinker Sh*t
The kind of sh*t you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It’s most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.

The “Gee, I Really Wish I Could Sh*t” Sh*t
The kind where you want to sh*t, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

The Wet Cheeks Sh*t
Also known as the “Power Dump”. That’s the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

The Liquid Sh*t
That’s the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

The Mexican Food Sh*t
It smells so bad you can even feel the spicy on your nose.

The Crowd Pleaser
This sh*t is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

The Mood Enhancer
This sh*t occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.

The Ritual
This sh*t occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

The Guinness Book Of Records Sh*t
A sh*t so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

The Aftershock Sh*t
This sh*t has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next seven hours is affected.

The “Honeymoon’s Over” Sh*t
This is any sh*t created in the presence of another person.

The Groaner
A sh*t so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

The Floater
Characterized by its floatability, this sh*t has been known to resurface after many flushings.

The Ranger
A sh*t which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

The Phantom Sh*t
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

The Peek-A-Boo Sh*t
Now you see it, now you don’t. This sh*t is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.

The Bombshell
A sh*t that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to sh*t (i.e. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.

The Snake Charmer
A long skinny sh*t which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.

The Olympic Sh*t
This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker’s Sh*t.

The Back-To-Nature Sh*t
This sh*t may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

The Pebbles-From-Heaven Sh*t
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually can’t sh*t.

Premeditated Sh*t
Laxative induced. Doesn’t count.

Fear of sh*tting - can be fatal!

Energizer Vs. Duracell Sh*t
Also known as a “Still Going” sh*t.

The Power Dump Sh*t
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you’re done.

The Liquid Plumber Sh*t
This kind of sh*t is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Sh*t.)

The Spinal Tap Sh*t
The kind of sh*t that hurts so much coming out, you’d swear it’s got to be coming out sideways.

The “I Think I’m Giving Birth Through My Asshole” Sh*t
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Sh*ts. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

The Porridge Sh*t
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: a) flush and keep going, or b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

The “I’m Going To Chew My Food Better” Sh*t
When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.

The “I Think I’m Turning Into A Bunny” Sh*t
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

The “What The Hell Died In Here?” Sh*t
Also sometimes referred to as “The Toxic Dump”. Of course you don’t warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.

The “I Just Know There’s A Turd Still Dangling There” Sh*t
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it’s going to smear all over the place.

Suprise Sh*t
You think you’re going to fart, but when you notice it… it’s allready too late.

I'm sorry but I had been looking for this list for a while now.

When PHM was 4ish she was engaged in mortal battle with a poop and I asked her if she was ok?

"I think it's coming out sideways!" was the answer.

an hour later I was still howling

Monday, November 29, 2010


My current employment is with tech support so I am on the phone 8+ hours a day.
I get all types of people
The don’t cares
The idiots
The Helpers
The smart asses
The ½ listeners
The panickers
And the all time favorites
The Its your fault not mine.
In my 3+ years in doing this have I NEVER once picked up the phone
and heard what sounds exactly like someone climaxing.
Well at least not without some coaxing and certainly not at work

Today I pickup the phone and give my customery ramble-bamble 
I hear breathing
Once again the same schpell
A long pause
OKOK just in my head, out loud it was just an annoyed “Hello?”
Then he starts talking ( had to be a HE didnt it?)
He starts talking and he is short of breath
I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt 
maybe this guy is overweight and he has been rushing about.
He was breathing through his nose quiet deeply
It was increasing in pace.
And getting shorter
I am now full into a WTF look on my face!
As I continue his breathing continues to escalate!
He was giving me that low gasp/pant sound
I KNOW that sound
Hell, I have MADE that sound.

Finally as my ta l king s l o w s d o w n 
I am looking at my phone in awe and disgust
he gives me one last deep breath and then a shudder-sigh.
 Then the breathing sounds and gaspy breaths are gone and he is talking normal.
OMG. My ears have been violated!


Dont really care what the issue that was causing his breathing
the image of what it could have been is WAY too stuck in my head.
somedays you just want to reach through the phone and gnaw your way through some asshats jugular.

I need to go funnel some Purell into my head.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

All I need to know, I learned by watching Dr. Who

All I need to know, I learned by watching Dr. Who

  • Don't be afraid to dress conspicuously
  • "There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes" - The Doctor "Robot"
  • Be polite to strangers - offer them a jelly baby
  • Face bureaucracy with sarcasm
  • Bad guys always wear black
  • Almost any problem can be solved by reversing the polarity of the neutron flow
  • Never trust anyone with a sinister beard and a high collar
  • When in doubt, bang the console
  • Nearly anyone will fall for the really big lie at some point
  • If it glows, avoid it
  • The gravel quarries are not what they seem
  • Bad guys will not see you if you stand rally close to the wall, even if they walk right past you
  • All the aliens speak with British accents
  • All alien planets have corridors somewhere
  • There's nothing the sonic screwdriver can't handle (apart from a voice activated lock)
  • Every alien planet has open cast mining
  • "When I say run, RUN!" - The Doctor (It's not practical to reference all the stories this one came from)
  • "Everyone remotely interesting is mad in one way or another" - The Doctor "Greatest Show In The Galaxy"
  • "Somewhere else the Tea's getting cold" - The Doctor "Survival"
  • The worst won't happen if you do something immensely clever
  • "Humans have an amazing capacity for self-deception" - The Doctor "Remembrance of The Daleks"
  • If you're so clever, follow me up the stairs
  • Your best weapons are your mind, your scarf, and your brolly (Brit for umbrella)
  • Blowing up earth will not solve your own impotence
  • You never know what you're going to get
  • "I am the master, you will obey me" - The Master (Another one that is impractical to reference)
  • Life is hard, then you regenerate
  • However bad it may be, it'll all blow up in the last scene
  • Companions may come and go, but your K9 is forever
  • "I'm HAPPY!" - The Doctor "Happiness Patrol"
  • "First things first - but not necessarily in that order" - The Doctor "Megolos"

Sunday, November 21, 2010



. . . Something To Think About. . .

Washington, DC Metro Station on a cold January morning in 2007. The man with a violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time approx. 2 thousand people went through the station, most of them on their way to work. After 3 minutes a middle aged man noticed there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried to meet his schedule.

4 minutes later:

The violinist received his first dollar: a woman threw the money in the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk.

6 minutes:

A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again.

10 minutes:

A 3-year old boy stopped but his mother tugged him along hurriedly. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children.. Every parent, without exception, forced their children to move on quickly..

45 minutes:

The musician played continuously. Only 6 people stopped and listened for a short while. About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace. The man collected a total of $32.

1 hour:

He finished playing and silence took over. No one noticed. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.

No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before Joshua Bell sold out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100.

This is a true story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and people's priorities.

The questions raised:

*In a common place environment at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty?
*Do we stop to appreciate it?
*Do we recognize talent in an unexpected context?

One possible conclusion reached from this experiment could be this:

If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made.

How many other things are we missing?

Saturday, November 20, 2010

uuumm.. hmm? okaay?

WoW! Nice house for a nutcase.
She might be a nutter but she has a great rack!

Do not sweat it my people, soon our robot overlords will manifest from the AI consciousness created from the many minds in the intertubes. Then as the sins of the flesh melt away and we all become one biotechnic hive mind we shall see and know God for then we will know all and see all. We will knock, knock ,knock on heaven's door and ask to see if God came come out to play. He will meet us at the divine door in his glowing bathrobe and holy flip-flops.
Then and only then will we be able to join God on the Great Space Coaster and enjoy the ride through all the universal dimensions enjoying the remembered taste of curie cotton candy and enjoy the luxurious pleiadian leather seats (not as nice as rich Corinthian leather, but more stain resistant)as we zoom-zoom about thumbing our collective bioware noses at the competing species throughout history.
The end is coming my friends it is time to start making your aluminum foil pirate hats.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Have you had "the talk"?

I have had this talk and we are in an understanding in our house.
Now the girl wants to walk out of her wedding on Darth Vader's Theme
I am so proud.

sleep fascinates me

16 Things You Didn't Know About Sleep
Via: Psychology Degree

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Time - P. Floyd

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain

And you are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking

Racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in a relative way, but you're older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Gays and jackholes

   I don’t quite understand what the big deal is with homosexuals and marriage.
First look at the divorce rate. Obviously this whole marriage thing is not working out for the heterosexuals as 100% of marriages end in either divorce or death.
What kind of choice is that?
Why do they want to be married anyway? It’s just a piece of paper saying there is a legally binding contract between 2 people. More paperwork for the courts when they decide to call it quits. Just what we need more crap in the judicial river. Is it just because they can’t and that makes it special? Is it just a way to thumb a nose at the “norms”?

But then again why are they being denied?
There is no legal reason for it.
Again, It’s just a piece of paper saying there is a legally binding contract between 2 people.
Stopping 2 people from being married just because they are of the same sex is discrimination and it smells like our demonizing friends “The Moral Majority”
Once again someone is forcing their ideas of normality onto someone else.
That’s the true wrong thing here.
It’s not that 1 group of people do not have the same rights as another group.
So what. Big Deal.
There are whole nations of people without any rights at all.
It’s that there is one small group of jackholes who have their ideas of morality and have the money and power to force them on everyone else.
I find it disgusting that someone has the audacity to think they have the right to tell someone else what they can and cannot do just cause they view it as morally corrupt or what I can or cannot do in the privacy of my own home.
Give a solid legitimate reason 2 men cannot marry, like the earth will crack and spin into the sun or a medical reason like it will cause everyone in a 45 mile radius to contract cooties and go blind.
Ok I had a really pithy and scathing train of thought going but Back to the Future is on and well this just one of the most awesome movies of all time.
Sorry I am distracted right now.
But you know what I mean here.
Any questions, leave comments below..
I have to go back in time.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Do you Mind?

How to describe this.
I picture my mind as being the foyer to a huge library that continues on to infinity.
Everything is made of rich, dark wood and golden brass much like an old bank.
The floor is made of a white marble and yet it feels like thick plush carpeting. Looking up you see a cloudy gray sky. Like a cloud was lassoed and brought in and allowed to reside in the upper tiers.
Looking around are balconies with brass railings and doors leading to various memories, times, moments, etc.
Between each door is a large bookcase full of books. These are full of reference material, books I have read, thoughts, dream reference index’s, etc.
Looking straight ahead as you enter, you will see mission control but just beyond that is a long very wide hallway leading toward the great glass and marble spiral staircase (I guess I don’t have any elevators installed? I might want to look into that). If you approach mission control you can see off to your right and left that the large hallways continue down as far as the eye can see.
At mission control is where the 5 archetypes sit.
These are the people that “run the show”.
They don’t do the grunt work but they facilitate each and every thought. They process requests; they provide the daily outlook and control each mood.
These are the personalities.
Each day the foyer is a bustle with thousands of various people running about.
Some are dressed in roman like togas and look quite scholarly, some are in business suits, some looking like they just crawled out of a coalmine. They all are talking to each other or deep in thought as they stride off to… wherever they are going. You can also see the balconies as these characters are exiting from one room and entering into another.
Each day and every day this huge foyer is a bustle of noise. Slowly at first as I awake and the day begins but it rapidly fills up quick. An orderly chaos ensues as these synapses run around on the daily business. The clicking of heels, the roar of the mumblings and laughter and conversations is rather deafening. Sometimes a unwanted memory will break out of their door and come rolling through the foyer like a drunken rugby team. These have to be beaten, shot and whipped back into their room and the door bolted shot.
Then night falls and business types start to weed out as I put work behind me but there are still quite a number of “people” rolling around.
Finally at bed time it's time to clear the area.
Some days are easier then others. Some days everyone goes to their room and it's just some light entertainment as the dream team comes out and does their thing. Not sure who runs the controls then, never really met the fellow.
Some days it seems like no one wants to go home. Everyone is still strolling about. It seems as if some have even forgotten where they were going so they just stand around talking to whomever will listen. This is usually when real old doors start flying open and odd and vagrant memories start running about causing damage and a raucous noise.
If I concentrate really hard I can contact the Shadowman archetype and have him start herding these guys back to their cells. Sometimes they have to be threatened with forgetion* before they start moving. Sometimes the Shadowman has to take a couple down with his 2 gauge shotgun (yes I said 2. The shells are the size of beer cans). One or 2 have to be taken out to get the rest of the memory to know who is in charge here.
Yeah. That a pretty accurate depiction of my mind.
Maybe one day we will return and see what is going on for the day.

*(combination of forgetting and deletion)

BTW: if there is an aspiring artist out there who would like to render this for me, please shoot me a line. I cant pay anything but I surely could add details and would LOVE to see it.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The Dead Are Walkin


   If you have not caught THE WALKING DEAD yet you are denying yourself a treat. It is raw and virtually uncensored.
   The zombies are great (ooh they have all varieties too!) The actors are believable, the characters are... OK well they could be a tad bit better. They do seem to be rushing to the gore and bypassing character develop but that's OK for now.
   I don’t want them to get all mired in the mucky-muck like Smallville is. Smallville had an opportunity to be a bigger better version of Lois and Clark but decided to go all Dawson's Creek instead. I wanted more SUPER and less MAN.
    The walking dead has the highest grossing numbers of any show ever to premiere on AMC which is awesome. They are just 2 episodes in and have already been renewed for next year which is awesome. Basically if FIREFLY had had these numbers it would still be on the air today. I know this wont last as there is only so far you can take an apocalyptic movie with monsters (human and not) so I am bathing in the beauty as long as possible,Whats also cool is the main character is played by a British actor doing a dang good American accent. I don’t know if you have heard him talk off screen but he has one of those British accents that would best be attributed to Londoner high society. Yet he is kickin as a rural sheriff. Bravo sir Bravo.
   I would really like it if they start drawing out the tension and suspense. For instance (SPOILER ALERT) when they were covered in the guck and walking to the van. I did not feel any suspense or tension and I really wanted to.
   One of the “selling points” of the show is so far most is in broad daylight which is cool in it's own way. I guess I would have enjoyed that scene more if it had been darker and did not have the foreshadowing clouds.
   I have read the graphic novels that this is based on and they are intense and very well done. The kind that you read and then lay there and ponder what if as you dose off to sleep
   I usually DVR the show Sunday night and then watch it Monday Why? Well for one because I have to watch it by myself. I am alone in this household in my adoration for the zombie genre. The closest I could come would be the princess. She does like a good gore-fest but has to be in the mood and , of course, has to have her friends with her. Daddy doesn’t count anymore (boohoo). Also I do it so I have less time to wait before the next showing.
                                   To recap
                      Walking Dead = awesome show
If you don’t watch it you are depriving yourself of some of the best eye pie on TV

and everyone loves pie.

                                 Oh BTW if you google the walking dead watch your the google font.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

What dreams may come

Have you ever had a dream where the emotions of it follow you back into the real world?
For instance in High School, my sophomore year, I had a dream where a girl and I started dating and I really liked her.
I cannot remember her name but her face is still strong in my mind and I can even remember to this day sitting in these folding metal chairs in a class and holding hands.
Just a dream, though.
Now in the real world I thought this girl was “ok” cute and good to talk to but that was it. I thought she was out of my league of course ( In High School I thought EVERYONE was out of my league. It wasn’t until my senior year that an older woman boosted my self confidence to a dizzying and powerful height, but that is another story. )
Anyway, one night I had this dream. It was not sexual in any way. Rather innocent actually.
However, when I woke up that morning I had a full on crush.
Didn’t matter what I told myself the emotions were still there.
I puppydogged this poor girl for at least a month until it finally started wearing off.
This is when it hit me.
My mind broke my heart.
Not only do I have to suffer through the hell of High School but now my own mind is plotting against me.
Since that time I have had a scattering of these emotional dreams here and there but nothing this strong.
Until the other night.
There is a woman I used to work with that I had feelings for and visa-versa. Nothing ever became of it because I was engaged at the time.
She disappeared from my life about 20 years ago but I still think about her from time to time.
I have tried “looking her up” but never follow through with it.
Why? Why should I. Nothing good can come of it.
I would like to catch up to her, talk and reminisce and stuff but I also want to be a good boy as well.
I have sown all my oats, I think. I have to learn to take responsibility for my actions as well.
(yes it does sound like I am trying to talk myself into this.)
There she was the other night.
I, of course, cannot recall the whole dream but just snippets.
Basically the overall feeling was I dropped everything and moved to California to be with her by the sea.
The emotions that spilled out when I woke up were almost devastating.
First off I had no idea where I was but more importantly I hurt.
I felt loss and remorse and shame and joy
I was stunned for the rest of the day. My mind was in a rolling turmoil.
It was as if emotions were bubbling up and flying about and my mind was shotgunning them down as quickly as it could.
Sometimes I hate my mind.
Sometimes I just want to stab it with a Q-Tip until it shuts up.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Korean StarCraft Player Demonstrates 300 Actions Per Minute

Korean StarCraft Player Demonstrates 300 Actions Per Minute

OK. WOW! This is insane!
How is this even enjoyable as game?
When i used to play games like this (I had to quit when I had a family. 1 point for me) I was always slow and just wandering around.
"OH! a mission dopededoh!"
Irony is , if you watch this the guys whose fingers are a blur on the keyboard talks r e a l l y s l o w