Thursday, July 29, 2010

3 hour tour my ass.

Here is a lil something I have been rolling around in my head.
what do YOU think?

Gilligan = Sloth (always laying around)

Skipper = Wrath ( always beating on Gilligan)

Mr. Howe = Greed (duh! the man brought suitcases of money on a 3 hour tour)

Mrs. Howe = Gluttony ( she has so many outfits and wants more, more, more)

Ginger = Lust (Duh part duex! whatta sex kitten)

Professor = Vanity (smart and knows it but cant fix a whole in a boat?)

Maryann = Envy (of Ginger mostly)

By the way more then likely those no talent hacks in Hollywood is going to reboot, re-envision and regurgitate Gilligans Island soon (I have not checked IMDB for this but I am sure I am being far from prophetic.)
Who would you cast?
I will think on this and get back to you.

Sunday, July 25, 2010


When I was a king.
(this may be a repeat.)

Back in the early 90s I was working for a retail chain at the mall. One day a friend of mine Hoppy were driving by the mall when we noticed that there was a new building going in at the mini mall across the street. There was a name on the wall that said TRACER.
Intrigued we walked in even though they were not open yet.
They were kind and showed us around. It seems that this was a sort of laser tag arena game. It had 2 bases and a maze between them. Robots in the ceiling to shoot at players and a fog machine.
We signed up on the spot. I chose the code name “DEKKARD” (Harrison Ford's character in Blade Runner)
A week later we moved in.
It was glorious!
We met many people and I discovered I was freaking GOOD!
There was one guy who was “the guy” the guy that everyone liked and to be beat by him was a honor. He went by the name of Armsmaster. I believe he was one of those SCA kinda guys, in fact there was a whole group of them. A couple of hotties as well.
Armsmaster was a cool guy. Scrawny little fuck probably in his high 20s at the time but personable.
He was the man to beat.
I still remember a group coming up to him to ask him to play and he threw his arm around me and said “Take this guy. He's pretty damn good.”
It was like getting a blessing from a King.
I played and played and played. I discovered muscles I had forgotten I had. I developed skills and abilities I did not know I had.
The targets worn by an opponent were the helmet, the chest and gun. I found I could snap shot to a persons head with an assassin like accuracy and skill. I even created my own signature move where I would spot someone coming in at me and I would leap straight up in the air spinning in a pirouette and firing as I came down. It was 95% effective and spectacular to watch (so I was told).
Soon I was the King.
I was adored and revered (and I do not exaggerate this point.)
I held court every weekend and some weekdays.
I was finally “the cool guy”
People hung on my every word and spoke my name with reverence ( ok a bit of exaggeration there)
I dated the hottest chicks and played against everyone. People would drop out of games when they saw my name on the opposing team. I had to start creating alias's just to be able to play.
One night in came a 8 man team of air force louts as my 2 buds and I were getting ready to leave.
They were being loud and disdainful to this little game.
The manager stopped us and asked us to do her a solid.
She asked us if we would play these guys “on the house.”
It was a slaughter.
They did the whole “hut-hut” thing and called out potions of flank and such.
We destroyed them.
When the smoke cleared they were glum and disjointed.
They had scores in the 2 digit range
we had scores in the high 4 digit range.
We were glorious.

Soon after then the end started. I created a team for tournament play named “The Assassin's Guild”
Then I started going to night school.
Then came in the new breed.
When I was able to go. it became like an old gunslinger unable to hang up his guns without being “called out”.

Finally one day I was done.
My glory days behind me
Life, Love and all that grown up crap shouldered it's way into the forefront.
But oh, those days!
They were golden.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Flying Rats

Our building was evacuated at noon today because some bitty in the next building
saw a elevator repairman tool case and thought it was a bomb. I was standing by
the museum (across from the library?) and saw this pink thing on the ground.
Thought it was a dead bird at first. Then noticed it was a bat!
It's so young his eyes are not even open. I thought I was dead
all sprawled out but then I caught movement out of the corner of my eye.
It lifted its head and opened its mouth like in a silent scream.
I guess falling from as far as he did I would scream too.
I scooped him up and brought him into the office.
I put some water on a straw and was able to get him to swallow 1 or 2 drops.
Then I gently laid him in the box on my soft handkerchief as he slowly
(or quickly I really don't know) passed away.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


I am in a melancholic mood today as I sit here at work and I pine for better days*.
Oh how wonderful it would be to not have to work for a living…
To have all the time allotted to you as a lifetime handed to you at one time and told “go forth and do”.
Now I am by no means stupid, I am well aware that the addition of large sums of cash into a person’s life CAN create as much if not more difficulties then it solves.
For those people I scoff and laugh.
They just did not do it right.
These people who have lost everything after winning the lottery were sucked in by the glitz and glamour that such a windfall can bring. They then set upon a path of serving the money instead of the other way around.
The money isn’t about what you can buy, it is about what you can DO.
To be able to free yourself from the daily yoke of life is the best gift anyone can be given.
“I have no debts.” – this means removing all debt, even perceived debt to loved ones. A thank you to your parents for having you is the least you can do.

“I have no needs” – setting up the majority of the money to work for you and provide for you. Getting a paycheck each week from the bank for 5 grand is no small thing. That’s only about $250k a year, which is a small pittance of earned interest from your hoard.

“I have no wants”- just cause you have the cash doesn’t mean you have to fill every desire. What good is life without a want? Gives you something to strive for and that makes it more worthwhile to you.

The one thing I want the most is to be able to spend the time I have left on this planet doing the things I want to do with the people I love. I want to be able to pick up and show my kids the wonders across America without having to squish it into a 1 week period and budget the time and cash to their smallest point. Just so I can rush back to my job where I spend 9 hours a day/ 5 days a week surrounded by people that get more of my time then my family does.
Let me tell you I love my family a hell of a lot more then I even like these people and look who gets the short end of the stick.

So yeah, I pine for better days. I know they aint gonna show up so I try to make the best I can of what I have.
I fall quite short most of the time.
I hate it that this happens.

*pining days are also a good reflection on days I am under medicated too.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Aliens are Us

If you came from another planet and discovered the human race you would run too.
This race is a parasite on the organism that sustains it, continually tries to both procreate and kill each other. They emit an explosive gas and generate acid in their bodies. Sex is such a large portion of their lives that by the actual action of procreation this will extend their life. The human’s generate various forms of chemicals to help them to adapt to their environments. this species contains such a chemical "messture" of conflicting and abhorrent traits that I recommend that it be quarantined for the next millennium and maybe even eventual sterilization

Humans glow in the dark, Eat your heart out Edward the living had it first.

  • It was revealed by ultra-sensitive cameras that our bodies emit tiny amounts of light that are too weak for the human eye to detect. Amazing pictures of "glittering" human bodies were released by Japanese scientists who have captured the first ever images of human "bioluminescence". Although it has been known for many years that all living creatures produce a small amount of light as a result of chemical reactions within their cells, this is the first time light produced by humans has been captured on camera. Strangely, the areas that produced the brightest light did not correspond with the brightest areas on thermal images of the volunteers' bodies.
  • We generate the most corrosive acid on the planet within the very depths of our bodies like and would perform a form of self-cannibalization if it weren’t for the mucus we secrete.
How much more “alien” do you want?
  • The stomach produces a new lining every 3 days to avoid digesting itself with its own acids. There's one dangerous liquid no airport security can confiscate from you: It's in your gut. Your stomach cells secrete hydrochloric acid, a corrosive compound used to treat metals in the industrial world. It can pickle steel, but mucous lining the stomach wall keeps this poisonous liquid safely in the digestive system, breaking down your lunch but not your own stomach. (Link)
  • Sex (whether with self or partner) keeps our ass from rotting.Two large studies, reported in 2003 and 2004, found that middle-aged men who had (or at least remember having) at least four orgasms a week throughout their 20s, 30s and 40s had a reduced risk of prostate cancer by as much as one-third. Some researchers speculate that ejaculations may clear the prostate of carcinogens. (Link)
  • We have various life forms that exist within and on our body that’s entire existence depend on our survival but they have no compunction about consuming their symbiotic host once it dies. In fact, there are more organisms living on your skin then the entire population of the world.
  • The bacteria in your body “hides” in your appendix like a storm shelter when you have diarrhea.
  • The bacteria in your colon makes you fart up to 14 times a day.
  • Our body is capable of producing aspirin, feel good chemical (Endorphins) and a super-human like chemical to increase out strength 10-fold (Adrenaline).
  • Eating fruits and vegetables may help the human body make its own aspirin. Findings from the Journal of Agriculture and Food Chemistry indicate that study participants who received benzoic acid, a natural substance in fruits and vegetables, could make their own salicylic acid, the key component that gives aspirin its anti-inflammatory and pain-relieving properties.

These are just some high lights.. what did I miss?

Friday, July 16, 2010

Getting older

I asked my 14 year old Princess High and Mighty if she might like to go on a daddy/daughter date before she goes back to school (and after she gets back from bible camp)
I was informed that “she does not like to do that kind of thing anymore.”
That was a stab and a twist.
I figured this day would eventually come.. ok no. that’s not true.
I did not think this day would ever come. I thought that PHM and I had such a good relationship that we could do this kinda thing forever.
Just her and I off to goof around together.
Now I have discovered that I have once again fucked up.
I am a professional at this.
The time I hold most precious to me I have squandered away on the most worthless of investments… myself. I have been stuck in this depression rut for 7 years now.
7 years lost.
Moping, sleeping, never going anywhere, never doing anything. No energy, no pleasure, just me alone with me. Finally I start to raise up out of this pit of despair.
Climbing hand over hand, Kicking and clawing my way out.
By myself.
No help.
I guess no one around me knows what to do.
The wife treats me with a certain amount of disgust and disdain because she doesn’t remember what it felt like when she was in this state.

When we moved from Kansas to Georgia she fell into her own depression.

She was away from her “Lifelines” meaning her mom and dad. (the apron strings are knotted here but that is another story for another time)

Wavy lines~~wavy lines~~

I was working 2 jobs in Kansas and was offered a position in Georgia for an IT company
making about 10k more then I was in Kansas.
It was a hard decision but I jumped at the chance with both feet.

The company I was working for went belly up and I had a choice to make.
I had moved to Georgia to make a new better life for me and my family.
Now I had a decision to make.
Stay in Georgia and try and make a go of it again.
Make my wife smile again and lower my expectations and destroy any progressive movement I have made towards an actual career and move back to stagnant Kansas.
Well obviously you know what happened.

I guess I am trying to say here is I feel I have sacrificed to help my wife and my children.
I have lost those precious moments by either not being there physically or mentally
And now as I am finally climbing toward the light… a boot shows up and steps on my face.

I was thinking the other day how ironic it was that I have been told time and time again how funny I am and yet each day it is so hard for me to even smile.

God, I am sorry people.
Welcome to the most depressing blog in the world
Next up
Sick homeless puppies used as balls in rugby.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

To all the loved lost

Dearly beloved, we gather here today to say a final fair thee well to a close dear friend of mine.
He was known by oh so well by many names but I always liked to call him Libido.
Libido and I first met back when I was just entering my double digits, age wise.
I had no clue who he was to begin with.
Seemed like one day I was watching the Muppet Show and then the next he was asking me what Ms. Piggy looked like naked! I didn’t know what he was talking about!
He taught me quickly and efficiently though.
He was always hungry! Oh what an appetite he had.
Why I remember once when I was about 17 I was dating this rather attractive older woman from work and by the end of one night he had ensured that he had been fed 9 times.
9 full course “meals”! I am sure if I hadn’t insisted on at least an hour of sleep he would have strove for a 10th.
Oh the times we had together, always working together through the thick and thin. We strove on together, through the droughts as well as basking in the abundances. In my 20’s his appetite grew to almost an insatiable point.
At one point he must have felt it was his God given right to have 3 feedings a day and restraining him to accepting just when there was availability was difficult.
Then as I grew older we started to drift apart. We communicated less and less and I started to miss his daily communications.
Then recently I discovered that he was not communicating anymore.
It’s a medical fact that an average male thinks about sex every 7 seconds. I think that my 7 seconds are spaced out fewer and far between and Libido just doesn’t pick up the phone as quickly as he once did.
Now days Libido just sits back in his comfy chair and watches the world go by. I am sure he ruminates about times long ago and relishes those moments we had together. He still has all the equipment and functionality that he once had he has just lost his lust for life he once had.
I can still manage to poke and prod him back into his old job now and again but for the most part he has lost the urge to do his job with the gusto he had once upon a time.
So Ladies and Gentlemen (well mostly Ladies, the gentlemen can get bent) today we officially retire the old man and move him back into a reserve status.
Like a retired superhero he will be called upon in times of great need, once more to lift up his 9 inch lance and sally forth into battle.
However, for the most part he will be allowed to sit back and relax and enjoy his silver age years.
Good bye Libido and fair thee well.
You will be missed

Friday, July 9, 2010

Last moments

Good day, sunshine!

Glad you decided to wake up.

What is one of the first things a person does when the electricity goes out? During the day that is. Well dusky, I would say.

They walk out the front door. Why? To see if everyone or anyone else is having the same issue, of course.

People outside “see things” and we cant have that now can we?


Question: how does one keep people in their house?

Answer: By creating a power outage each week at the same time for the same amount of time.

People get used to it.

Really, people can get used to just about anything these days.

Not too much time where the power company is called but enough for me to slip in via your back door.

Oh did I mention I already have a key to your Brinks deadbolt, model 94203-8?

Not dealing with an amateur here.

Oh I know what you are thinking,everyone watches those stupid cop shows now days.

CSI, NCIS, blah blah blah

hoopla and trite condescending poppycock.

The cops are not nearly THAT good or THAT well funded.

But to be sure and I am sure you will enjoy this, I have spread about your house, quite liberally I am afraid, the hair and follicles of OH! I would say of over at least 30 to 50 different people.

I have also including various unnatural fibers, cats, racoons and I think it was a fox.

Truly it was disgusting and mutilated. Could have been just a dog.

It's just amazing how much hair a barber shop can cut.

Truly there has to be a better way to use the stuff, but I digress.

NONOnono dont pass out on me now.

That's better.

Oh I see you have noticed the camera.

Yes, my client demands proof and what better proof the actually watching the shot from the guns point of view?

Besides I just love pausing it right as the muzzle flare starts to fade and I. Can. Just. Make out the persons face in the afterglow. It's really quite beautiful. It's like I can see their soul leaving their body.

I thought of duck taping it on but that is just so redneck.

Velcro straps work divine.

OK well, it's just about time here.

Got to stay punctual.

Oh I must say that I do love your Oriental rug in the master bedroom! Do you mind if I have that when I leave? No? Yes? Oh we will just let it stay. It really pulls the room together!

OK we are live... HA! I love irony.

OK live in




Saturday, July 3, 2010

Honda's answer to Segway.

Wow. I gotta say I am impressed with this and the old(?) Segway.
I would really like to see more of this tech coming to fruition in the world.