Thursday, December 24, 2009

Crap a movie.Wipe with cash.Repeat.

Proof of Character.

Ok anyone who knows me knows that I like the star wars films. They changed my life when I was a lad. I still to this day hold them in a special place in my heart and LOVE to collect and wear vests. The scruffy scoundrel is always my favorite character no matter what movie it is.

Being as such I feel it is my obligation to point out how much worse the first 3 are then the last 3 or I mean episodes 1 through 3 sucked and episodes 4-6 were good.
This is what I want you to do (and you dont have to do it here but you can if you like)
I want you to describe for me the following Star Wars characters WITHOUT saying what they looked like, what the wore, what their profession or role in the movie was.
Describe it as if you were describing the character to someone who had no idea anything about Star Wars.

Han Solo
Qui-Gon Jinn
Queen Amidala
Darth Vader
Darth Tyrannus

Now if you dont feel like playing this game I will boil it down for you.
For the 70s/80s group adjectives and adverbs are abundant.
For the other 3 pull out a dictionary and thesaurus and you might be able to create a coherant sentence.
This my friends is called character development.
Lucas wasn't even trying this 2nd go around.
well wasn't trying for anything except to pay for a new boat or an addition to his house.

I'm a fan.
I try to stay loyal.
sometimes they make it pretty damn hard.
OK I gotta admit here and now that I did not 100% come up with this initial concept.
I just happened across a series that visualized what I was thinking.

WARNING: NSFW due to language

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Xmas Rant

time for the regular rant on this two sided shit I have to put up with.

Here we are at Christmas time again and the great double standard that I am married to raises it’s ugly head.
For 20+ years now it has been the same thing over and over again.
I look for that one special gift. I am thoughtful and I plan and save and always go a step above and beyond every year for my wife for Christmas.
Yes I am tooting my own for a bit here I deserve it.
I am damn thoughtful!

Every year my wife gets me one step above a gift card.
For instance, and this was classic, last year I got her a beautiful diamond ring of her own choosing (amongst other things)
I got floor mats for the car.
I am very well aware that it is the thought and not the gift that counts but sometimes its nice to know some thought went into the gift!!
I am not hard to shop for. I am really good at pointing at stuff and saying “I want that for Christmas” (even if it is Carmen Electra, but I digress).
For example:
I have asked for the same 2 things for about 6 to 7 years now.
All Star Wars movies on DVD
All the Star Trek Movies on DVD
Not that hard? They even sell them in packages, second hand and ½ price.
I get stuff that “we” can use or that she wants me to have.
I even had to buy my own Birthday present with the money given to me by my employer for turning 40.
I got a 42” flat screen TV for our bedroom to replace the 20 year old 20” we had been using.
That was it.
Received nothing from my wife and/or kids. BTW: just so you know, The kids I don’t blame, they are kids. They could give me a hug and a drawing and I would feel rich as a king.
When I asked my wife what I was getting for my birthday (the next day, of course, since I spent the day waiting for something to come that never did.) she said “I already got it, it was the TV I bought.”
I think I have covered all this ground before, I know I have in my head.
I always feel like a cad and a heel even considering it because I am not a materialistic kinda guy.
I feel no need to keep up with the Jones’s or always have the latest and greatest.
I don’t spend that much on myself. That TV was one of the biggest things I had ever bought for myself (if you don’t count computers, which I upgrade when the time and money is right for all our uses. I haven’t upgraded the desktop in over 5+ years.

I guess I would just like to get something from my wife that I mentioned 6 months ago in passing and she got it for me because she knew I really wanted it.

His year she got the camera she had been lusting over for the past 2 months.

OK I could go on and I just might but for now I’m outta steam.

Friday, December 18, 2009

we gotta go now.yayayaya ya

My favorites are the curtains and the stuff inside the fridge.
Louie is loved.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009


Lead characters:

Wildcat: We have been friends for 21 years, lovers for 20, married for 18, parents for 13. I have given to her everything I am and hope(d) to be. There are times Wildcat when you are my best friend and other’s my vilest nemesis. Either one is fine, but I cannot stand it when we are in the middle of the road.

Blake: Ever since High School Blake has wanted to do, nothing but sit at home with his significant other. 20+ years later Blake is still striving for this goal. When Blake is down – There is energy there and a compatriot in mischief. When Blake is up – he is reclusive, wrapped in his family cocoon and unseen. Blake knows that I am always there for him and will help him hide the bodies.

Gear: We have talked, chatted and goofed off together. We met in High School since both of us are friends of Blake and became friends as well. I think some more effort on my part and we could have even a better, greater friendship. It is hard when your old and settled, also, I don't know jack about engines and cars and Gear doesn't know computers and applications.

PHM or Princess High and Mighty: My daughter. Beautiful heart breaker girl who just happens to be blonde to the bone. I do enjoy hearing her laugh.

Beasty: My son. A hyper-active old soul who is discovering life as he goes. He and I are a lot alike, poor kid. Cute as a button too if I do say so myself.

Harley: Harley and I became fast friends about a year ago. My kids have adopted her as their Aunt. Not sure how or why THAT happened. I do enjoy talking to her. She is a treasure.

Reoccurring Characters:

Freebird: Glad you moved back, old bean. We have been through some really odd adventures together and we both know where the bodies are buried. I hope that we can create some new adventures on this side of the law.

Jack: I have known Jack for literally her entire life. Recently events have evolved and Jack and I have formed a kinship that is pretty strong and pretty close. I do hope to grow and explore this further. Jack is pretty cool and I am happy when I can be there for her to turn to.

Mr. Jones: and I met right out of High School. We liked to do things together all the time and every weekend. Then life intervened. I got married and had kids (which suck up 95% of your time) then Jones went and did the same thing. Ah, the natural tearing and ripping of time against a friendship. I haven't talked to Jones in years; even when we worked together, it was cordial and strained at best.

Mr. Smith: Longest best friend I ever had but then Smith dangled a tantalizing carrot in front of me and pulled me away from my drab life that I was making incremental progress within. This was just so he could get a bonus for hiring me. I could have said no but I knew it was a one in a lifetime opportunity. Within a week, I was miles away from everything I ever held dear in my life, broke and bankrupt and in a career I had no idea how to do. I set my entire families lives into my friend’s hands and trusted him. Next thing I realize is that I have been dumped out in the Georgia wilderness with Smith’s estranged spouse and forgotten about. I saw him at work occasionally but that’s was it. I got pretty pissed off and depressed at this entire situation. I had NO money, no support system, no friends, no family, my kids were just babies (at the time) and I missed them so much.
Then the dotcom went belly-up.
Long story short I never even told him when I moved back to Kansas.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Father Kidnapped Daughter’s Killer to Bring Him to Justice

Father Kidnapped Daughter’s Killer to Bring Him to Justice

What would you do if someone killed your child, and authorities refused to extradite the suspect? Here’s what one father allegedly did:

A retired accountant whose daughter was killed 27 years ago was facing charges last night over the alleged abduction of the man he always blamed for her death.
The man was left bound, gagged and injured outside a French courtroom.
AndrĂ© Bamberski, 72, is suspected of taking justice into his own hands over the German authorities’ failure to act against Dieter Krombach, a German cardiologist, after a French court convicted him of manslaughter in his absence.

Mr Krombach, 74, was found trussed up with head injuries in a lane near the criminal court in the eastern city of Mulhouse on Sunday after an anonymous caller with an Eastern European accent tipped off police.
Mr Bamberski, who is of Polish origin and lives near Toulouse, was in Mulhouse at the weekend and is suspected of making the call, police said.

Do two wrongs make a right or is Bamberski – if he did do it – justified in kidnapping the (Update 10/26/09: alleged/convicted – there’s controversy about this) killer? What would YOU do if it were your child?
My thoughts?

I may have covered this before.

If it were my daughter or my son that was the victim then there would be no hope for my Mr. Krombach.
I will spare you the gory details but needless to say I have thought about this situation before and I would be merciless. Every ingenious tool that I could lay my hands on would be used. Power tools, heavy sedatives, fire, ice and hungry rabid animals would ALL be on the menu.

Losing you child to a soulless beast such as that deserves a long laundry list of depravities in return.

Sure, only God can judge man.

Somebody has to arrange the meeting though.

If I were to lose one of my children in such a manner I am sure part of my soul with be destroyed. Being such I would be careful in not being caught in such an act. If BOTH of my children were to be lost, then there is nothing on this earth I would have left to live for. Being caught would be the last thing to consider.

Arranging enough time to be able to extract my crumb of justice from the man would be my first thought.

OK I'm done venting now...

Monday, December 7, 2009

A Flamer

Have you ever intentionally set yourself on fire? An odd sentence in itself I must admit that in my youth I have.

I was at a party (actually it was MY party at my parents home but
shh don’t tell my mom.)

I was 17ish and oddly enough the only sober person in the room.
We were all lounging around the living room and I had a can of hairspray and a lighter.
I was “bored” which, as in most cases, is a very dangerous thing to be.

Now I am sure you can see where this is going but it gets stupider.

I was sitting on the floor and would spray a line along my jeans, light it up, let it burn for a bit then pat it out.
That was amusing…for a little while.
Then I did both legs, lit them up and patted the flames out.

Oh what a joy!

Until THAT got boring.
Finally I stood up and aimed the hairspray at my crotch.

All conversation halted immediately.
“You wouldn’t” said a girl named Cricket.

“I dare you.” Said my best bud Blake.

Of course it had to be from my best bud. Your bestest of friends are always the first to see how far you will go but with love.
With a smirk I started spraying


The lighter goes flick

And with a flourish my wedding tackle goes whoosh

A lovely bit of flame it was too. all kinds of pretty colors!

I sat back down with my warming crotch and admired my significant achievement.
Then it started to get warmer.
“OK” I thought “shows over”
As I raised my hand up to extinguish the flame a little voice spoke up in the back of my head.
“Umm whatcha doin?”

As my hand descended to the point of impact this same little voice virtually screamed again
“What in the HELL are you doing!?”


Have you ever intentionally punched yourself in the groin?
An odd sentence in itself I must admit that in my youth I have.

I got a standing ovation.

Youth… sometimes it’s amazing we ever survive it.

...and park in the driveway

Driveway: as in I parked my car in the driveway and not the living room. I had to stop and think about this word last night. Yes had to It was on the White Board. Where did that word come from? My Theory it is a bastardization of “Drive Away” as in “Well Clem, I’ma gonna pahk ma cah herea, so Aye can just drive away later.
Well everybody wanted to park at this convenient spot. Soon Clem was telling everyone to
“Go ahead and park there so you can drive away.”
And then down to “Don’t you be parkn in my drive away spot! I gots a goat shipment acoming.”
Then down to “Theres a new cah in the drive away.”
Finally “You boy be bleedin all over mise driveway!”

Or something like that.
I could be wrong.

By the way:
I am sorry if your name is Clem.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Odd comment:

OK I was babbling on a few months ago about theater life back in the “good ol days”
scratch that

Just “The old days


I made mention of a person I went to school with named Paul Crandon. I am 100% positive Paul has not 1 iota of a clue who the hell I am. We did not hang together. Once we had a 6 sentence discussion about the album “Chicago 17” outside of the theater doors.

Regardless though, (I like that word, regardless)

I made mention of one of his on stage appearances. Nothing inflammatory as I have nothing bad to say about him.
I am just cursed with an eidetic memory and there is always more room out then there is in.* I was just throwing memories out against the wall to see what stuck.
Then all of the sudden
yesterday he makes a comment on the post.

My shit was significantly freaked.


I guess wondering how he got to that post.

Kinda cool really.

Hey Paul!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

walkin and talkin

The oddest thing happened yesterday.
I was in the elevator with a couple of people from work headed out for the day. One of them, a gorgeous raven-haired beauty, was strapped up with all her yoga equipment for class later.
We had the normal chitchat on the elevator as we made it down to the lobby and we continued as we passed through the hallways to the outside. As we were traveling, I made an aside that she needed a Sherpa for her gear.
She laughed (which of course, gorgeous chick laughing at dorks joke, is the equivalent of giving a small child a lollipop for good behavior.)
Then the guy that was walking with us piped up with
“What is a Sherpa?”
Just at that moment the oddest thing happened that I have never been conscious of before.
As I was consciously formatting the reply as to the definition of a Sherpa in my head, I realized that my mouth was already moving! Not being truly aware as my intention to speak yet I tuned in to what I was saying and realized I was spewing out the precise and perfect definition of a Sherpa.
I was truly amazed at this even marveling at the “traipsing through the Himalayas” remark that went with it.
I didn’t stutter, falter or grasp for words as this pinpoint description rolled off my tongue like word marbles.
First off, I have a huge vocabulary rolling around in my noggin and yet I have a very difficult time in defining the words I use. Kind of a “I can use it in a sentence correctly but don’t ask me what it really means.”
Secondly, I had not been thinking about Sherpa that day so I am not really sure how this word popped up on the whiteboard in my head. I am sure a remark pertaining to a pack mule would have been more the normal response.
Thirdly, where did that definition come from? I cant even recall everything I said, just that last part because I wasn’t really paying attention.
This is the first time I have ever consciously been able to witness me unconsciously thinking one thing and saying another. I mentioned it to Wildcat and she was like “and?”.
I guess it is the first time I had not been in control. I am sure I was in control the whole time but there was moment there when I had no idea what was going on.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Star Struck

Today I got to see a real live movie star.

Hey, even cool cats like me get star struck. I live in the midwest which is basically in the middle of nowhere.
My bud works on planes so he has seen Harrison Ford and Morgan Freeman among eithers.
I would like that.
I gotta admit I have a tendency to get very star struck.
dont know why really. Just ordinary people doing a job entertaining people. Actually not that big of deal in the great scheme of things. but I still think they are pretty cool.

The Beast, Wildcat and I were out Christmas shopping.
We were pulling into the parking lot of a shopping center There,Parking a burgundy Volvo stacked to the top in the back with boxes and packages, was Kristie Alley. OK WOW! We were just turning into the parking lot and I glanced over at this car and said "Hey That's Kirstie Alley!"
Wildcat said nu-uh

Beast said "who is Kristie Alley?"
so we circled the parking lot and parked right behind her like any good stalker would. She got out looking thinner and blonder then ever before.
I looked again and said hedged my bets with a "well maybe it isnt"

Beast said "who is Kristie Alley?"

My wife said "Nope thats her allright."

Then we killed and ate her.

It was all a jolly good time.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

To finish up the weekend

To finish up here

Lollygagging about




Finally, on the road back to Kansas at around 4ish
Wife likes to drive, I do not.
Wife is possessive of the minivan, I don’t give a crap
Therefore, she drove

I say “let’s just get it done.
Let’s take the turnpike, pay the toll fees and get home.”
She says “yeah”
Then goes the back roads home.


Home at 7pm

I am cold, cramped and tired.

Son is cranky and tired, so is bouncing off the walls to keep himself awake.

Daughter is pissed she didn’t get her way. (she wanted us to drive another 30 minutes to drop her off at church so she could catch the last 15 minutes. It wasn’t a religious thing it was a “wanna see my friends” thing.)

Wife is tired and bitchy because everyone else is cranky

Everyone else is cranky cause mom is being bitchy

And God bless us one and all.
Its going to be a joyful Christmas!

Oh and I think I just broke my son's nose trying to get him and the dog off my leg.
Oh I am just chock full of self worth right now.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Weekend PTII

Ok the rest of the weekend wasn’t that spectacular
We finished the play… As I said, it was good.
I did find a couple of the songs a little forced or contrived.

Went back to Aunt Christmas house.
The Beast and I spent the rest of the night coloring together. We have this HUGE metal box full of sharpies and I buy these really BIG poster sized marker coloring pages from Wal-Mart. It is rather calm and relaxing. It keeps him mellow and focused and I like to listen to the TV while coloring.
Wildcat disappeared into the night with her Aunt to “go shopping.”
They always go shopping together, it’s like a disease. It’s always the same too.
“We have just 2 stores we are going to go check and then we will be back.”

Sure enough.
True to form 4 hours later, we get a call saying they have 1 more stop to make and then will be home.
Of course, all of this is well I guess you could say “under the umbrella” of my wife’s side of the family which means.
“WE are RELIGIOUS and as such WE will do nothing that might be construed as UNRELIGIOUS unless we can get away with it with no one seeing us.”
Yeah, seriously.

I married into a family that refuses to stand up and be whom they really are. They talk a good game but when it comes down to the wire, the nitty-gritty as it were. My side of the family believes that “There is nothing wrong with me and if you can’t handle that this is your problem and not mine.”
Her side believes that
“I am who I am as long as it suits my needs. Please! Don’t judge me.” Buncha hogwash and bullshit is what it is.

Gossiping and backbiting and looking down on people are all staples in which they grow.
I am not exaggerating a point here or pouring them into a mold I am just stating honest to goodness fact.

Anyway, I digress.

I went through all of that crap to get to
...I couldn’t go to a bar or anything. Not that I would have but it would have been a nice option.
So Saturday is shot to hell, but the Kids and I enjoyed some time together and that’s gold to me.
Sunday it was up and off to church. I fell asleep as usual. I really try not to but it never fails. I the hairy eyeball because I have pretty much stopped going over the past year. Why? No religious reason> I just figure I can either fall asleep in public or be comfortable in my own bed. Simple choice really.

Going out

Well on Friday night, the FAM and I packed up and went to Tulsa for the weekend.
Not quite the “city of lights” or anything but it was nice to get away.
We stayed with Wildcat’s Aunt Christmas for the weekend and Saturday they treated us to a pretty good Saturday
Went to a crap um.. craft show where the very aggressive women tried to get you to buy the stuff they are selling out of their garages and basements.
I like these places sometimes as you can find the odd and unusual there. I picked my spawn up a keychain that looks like a cute lil animal cutout keychain but when welded in the hands of a ninja they become brass knuckles or in the hands of my son
a laser,
wolverine claws,
a real longhorn cow skull,
a banana,
a phone
and of course something to pound on his big sister with.
I make such wise decisions.

Afterword we ate big at some Mexican place and then went to a play. The play was a musical rendition of “Little House on the Prairie” starring Melissa Gilbert as “MA.”
Unfortunately Mrs. Boxleitner fell her fool ass down the night before and so is laid up in the hospital pumped full of drugs bemoaning her fate.


85% of this whole trip is to see her (Wife is big Ingalls-Wilder fan)
So we get there…
We climb the 7 flights up to the blood-nose balcony part.
There is the ground floor, then the balcony and then there is us, way up in the “Holy fuck I can see the curve of the earth!” section.
We are 3 rows down from the freakin top!
I sneezed and almost puked from vertigo! MOREOVER, the whole section is set at an acute 90-degree angle and the row between seats is set to a foot wide.
I don’t mean pull out a tape measure and mark off a foot, I mean set your foot down and you have a smidge of room on your left and a smidge of room on the right.
SOOO Guess who had to go to the bathroom.
In the middle of the play.
In the pitch black.
And needed Daddy to go with him.
OH all right.
He jumps up and boings outta the aisle like a freakin-ninja-ghost-super secret fucking Jedi spy.
Then here comes "Eeyore" behind him clomping this midnight tightrope footpath of doom
Finally stumbling out of the aisle as if I was ejected from a saloon.
We make it out to the bathrooms (no problems there) and then back into the hurt-locker.
Luckily, we had Captain Duracell sitting by the door in her sharp blue blazer! This woman looked old enough to be able to reminisce about the days before they invented light.
OH lucky day! She takes out her little Maglight and, God forbid she should get up; she shines out path for us until we get back to the steps.
Thank you so fucking much Harriet Tubman!
Thanks to your expert manipulation of the new fangled electric candle, I am now standing on the edge of a vertical cliff with zero night vision.
Of course, ninja boy has already done 3 back-flips and slid down the railing on one hand and is now sitting down.
Here I come, as I slide slowly down the steps hugging the rail and the wall like a drunk. Muttering “left foot, down. Right foot, down”
I make it back into my seat with a little more ease, even managing a ½ pirouette, ½ flailing as I spin into my seat.
I sit down with a sigh of relief.
1 song later and the house lights come up.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

To all the drugs I have tried before

OK so it hasn’t been many.
I have partaken of the grape, the barley, and every alcohol in between. Enough so that I have realized certain alcohols have different effects on me.
For instance
Beer: makes me “relax” and contemplative. All the worlds’ wrongs can be solved over a six-pack. Beer’s a fun kinda drunk but gives you that bloated bag of water kind of feeling.
Wines: I am not quite sure where I sit with wine. I love the tipsy you get from it and the totally jacked up feeling is rather warm and yummy too. I would say wine makes me feel adventurous. Real Indiana Jones kinda stuff.
Whiskey: Makes me horny. Not the “I’m gonna fuck a tree” kinda horny but the “The chase is afoot and I have some pussy to conquer” kinda horny. It makes me feel seductive and predatorish. Does that make sense?
Vodka: I stay away from that shit. Vodka brings out the dark side and my dark side is blacker then midnight in a coal shaft. It brings out the parts of my personality that seem to be more primitive and downright scary. With Vodka, I feel and act “evil” and I fully embrace the feeling with every fiber of my sodden being.

Now as for other substances
I have partaken of the magical herb on many occasions and to be honest.
Not really my bag.
I remember the last time I smoked some and I ended up calling domino’s pizza for a medium cheese pizza and was calling them back for a second before the driver even made it back to the restaurant.
I don’t think it should be illegal because for one it grows naturally and if nature made it then it just shouldn’t be illegal. For a second reason, it’s better for you and have you ever seen two people get high and then get in a fight?
Yeah me either.

That’s about it for my debauchery into the chemical fields.
I have always been leery of LSD or acid. I have always taken the position of that I am scared of what kind of shit my mind is going to come up with. I think oddly enough as it is and if I try really hard I can almost see what I am thinking (like Jennifer Love Hewitt making advances on me in a skimpy negligee)
Sure, a cool hallucination might be fun but the risk just doesn’t seem to be worth it.
X might be fun but I wouldn’t want to take it and then be stuck in a room with a dozen sweaty guys. Now if for some reason I was stuck in a bomb shelter with the Swedish volleyball team then yeah! Gimme some of that and a dozen Viagra’s (and a case of redbull I hate that stuff but this is an emergency)

Coke might be OK to try but I have a hard enough time with insomnia, so it would have to be a special occasion like going to Vegas for the weekend and wanting to be awake the whole time.

The rest of the street crap really doesn’t hold much appeal.

I have some prescription drugs that I use in moderation. Painkillers and muscle relaxers. The right combination can cause a warm feeling of calm, serenity, and just really put together right.
However, that’s a slippery slope there.
I really need that stuff for real pain and if I start to abuse it, then I can get cut off from my doctor.
After that, the world ends for me.

Why am I thinking about drugs, alcohol and all that jazz.
Don’t know.
Just popped into my head on the way home from work
Thought I would get it out of my head.
More room out then there is in.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Catchin up a bit

Well I did not get the Director of the DC position, no shock there. I was told, however, that they will be giving my resume to the new director to see about getting me over there (to the DC) since I seem to be being wasted at the position I currently hold.
I don’t care.
I am in it for the money.
I don’t count the “who I am” by the job I hold. Sure, it is a good ego boost to be able to say I am the manager of such and such or I am the Director of whosits and plumping.
Honestly, I don’t care if they have me sweep the parking lot each day just as long as it’s more money.
Money is why I work.
If I didn’t need money, I would not work.
I don’t get excited for the challenge, I can challenge myself better anyway.
I don’t do it to meet new and exciting people, I am anti-social as it is and I also know that 90% of work relationships do not extend past the work place. Meaning that yeah you can be great friends and compatriots when you work together but one of you leaves and within 6 months, you will lose contact.
Anyway, guess I am just happy to have a job and be bringing home the money I am. Working 2 jobs really sucks so not having to do that anymore is a plus.

Some other highpoints I have failed to mention:
My wife and her parents built a shed in the back yard over the past few weeks. I did nothing. I didn’t want a shed. The shed we had was destroyed in the ice storm in January and I was happy with that. If you have read along this blog you will know that this is not knew. My opinion at home only means shit to me.
My daughter came home last Tuesday with a concussion from slipping and falling on the merry-go-round. That was unnerving and my wife pissed me off by not coming directly home from bowling with her work mates. My daughter is crying and wanting to go to sleep and her eyes are dilated and she is nauseous. I wasn’t going to take her to the hospital since that would have meant 3 hours of sitting in the waiting room just for them to say “wake her up every 2 hours.”
I am a horrible father to my son and I can’t figure out why. I think it has a lot to do with him being so damn stubborn and mot listening to me. Especially if mom is home, then its in one ear and out the other. I need to work on that.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

11 Rent a face's

Here you’ll find a list compiled from surveys of several top-of-the-line celebrity event organizers specializing in the “rent-a-celebrity” business. It’s also interesting to note that a celebrity’s “asking price” fluctuates with their popularity, amongst other things, probably because they suddenly realize that no one’s going to pay a stupid amount of for some washed up has-been that’s undergone too many botched surgery ops. So step right up and check out this list of celebs-for-hire, ranging from the exquisitely decadent to the…Er…not so

Tara Reid - $3,500 (used to be $35,000 to $50,000)
American Pie actress Tara Reid has certainly gotten cheaper in the past year or so. Maybe soon she’ll be the same price as the one movie she’s famous for…Which she made almost a decade ago.

Nick Lachey - $60,000 (used to be $100,000)
Just like his ex-wife, Nick’s prices have dropped (although not as considerably) to a slightly more affordable $60k. That’s right folks, for the grand total of $60k, you can have the one and only Nick Lachey doing exactly what he’s famous for, which is…I forget

Jessica Simpson - $75,000 (used to be $400,000)
A few years ago she could command an astonishing $400k, but times have changed and the high prices ended when her marriage to Nick Lachey did. Now she earns only slightly more than he does for making an appearance. A couple more appearances and maybe she will be able to get her boobs to match!

Usher - $175,000 (used to be $1,000,000)
R& B/Pop artist Usher’s stock has recently crashed, most likely due to the possibility that no one really likes him, who knows. Now checking in at a party near you for the relatively low cost of $175k, he used to fetch the princely sum of one million dollars.

Demi Moore - $200,000
Still living the party-filled glory days of her youth (for a price, of course), Demi Moore can swan around talking to your guests for the same price as 40,000 hotdogs. With that price, you would hope that she would provide the baby sitter for her husband.

Scarlett Johansson - $200,000
This famous young actress now allegedly accepts $200k for being able to turn up at your party, eat your food, drink your drink and then leave.

Pam Anderson - $250,000 (used to be $75,000)
The two things that made Baywatch watchable can make an appearance at a party of your choosing for only $250k, being a considerable amount greater than the $75k she used to ask for. You must pay an additional 10k for her to keep her clothes on during the event.

Nicole Kidman - $500,000 + A jet
Famous actress Nicole Kidman can show herself at your party for the modest amount of half a million. Oh and you’ll most likely have to pay the shipping and handling for this particular item in the form of a private jet flight over to your place. Most party fun consists of holding her up to the light to see what she had for lunch.

Dr. Phil - $750,000 to $1,000,000
For the price of an incredible house,you too can listen to whatever it is that Dr. Phil has to say. You just better make sure that whatever he’s saying will be the most amazing things ever before you contribute to his $30 million a year salary. For an additional fee you will be allowed to beat him with sticks and throw small bits of fruit at him.

Mariah Carey - $3,000,000 (used to be $1,000,000)
A few years ago, a private performance from infamous diva Mariah Carey would have set you back a mere cool million. However, nowadays a show will cost you triple that amount AND you’d have to put up with her weird demands for a room filled with puppies or whatever

Kylie Minogue - $2,000,000 to $4,000,000
Depending on which sources you believe, Kylie was paid an incredible amount of cash to perform a 40 minute set at the Hotel Atlantis at a resort in Dubai earlier this year.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Bring back the dead.

I am sick and tired of the sanitization of the world. Halloween as fall festival is just so "correct". This is a time to celebrate what scares you because by embracing your fears you overcome them. By sanitizing this meager holiday you are doing a grave disservice to your children.
Without the dark and scary you children will be abruptly surprised when they learn that the world has fangs. The the ugly and evil really do exist and live in the hearts and minds of all "normal" people.
Its time to take back the holiday people! Bring out the dead! Make the bump in the night bleed. Scare the civilians and bleed on the carpets. Only by embracing the dark side can you truly be free from it.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


I was trolling the net and ran across this from the site of Chris Jordan at

And I got to wondering...

Message from the Gyre

These photographs of albatross chicks were made just a few weeks ago on Midway Atoll, a tiny stretch of sand and coral near the middle of the North Pacific. The nesting babies are fed bellies-full of plastic by their parents, who soar out over the vast polluted ocean collecting what looks to them like food to bring back to their young. On this diet of human trash, every year tens of thousands of albatross chicks die on Midway from starvation, toxicity, and choking.

To document this phenomenon as faithfully as possible, not a single piece of plastic in any of these photographs was moved, placed, manipulated, arranged, or altered in any way. These images depict the actual stomach contents of baby birds in one of the world's most remote marine sanctuaries, more than 2000 miles from the nearest continent.

~cj, October 2009

How freakin stupid are these animals?
Most animals know what is food and what is not. Sure they will eat one maybe two pop bottle lids but by the third they got to be talking to each other
" Oy there govenr. You know. 'ese lil round fish are rather easy to catch and they sure fill a chap up but they really taste like crap, dont they?"

"Aye Nigel and by the sweet lord 'ave to tried crapping one out yet? I thought I was giving birth to me own self, I did"
(I am not sure why the birds talk with bad British accents though? odd birds.)

Maybe one day science will discover that these birds were actually part of some odd cultist religion (*cough-Scientology-cough*) and they had to consume massive amounts of disposable lighters, plastic bottle tops and other bits for their great ride to heaven behind the great silver bird that passed over every 78 days.
They just happened to croak it before their order from Nike online had shown up yet. (damn you FEDEX! Damn you all to hell-

Then again. I could be wrong.
been known to happen.

PS: OK yeah. I agree. Horrible thing that our consuming is killing innocent animals. but if you cant make light of it then that just leaves screaming and running mad in the streets and well, I have reached my quota for this week already.
I will bet you that in the next 50 years the moon will be our next dumping site or we will find a way to shoot huge barge loads of junk into the sun for a economical price.
Either that or move everyone in Australia on to a moon colony and use the remaining island a dumpsville. We could already actually, they only REALLY use the coast lines.