Saturday, November 28, 2009

Star Struck

Today I got to see a real live movie star.

Hey, even cool cats like me get star struck. I live in the midwest which is basically in the middle of nowhere.
My bud works on planes so he has seen Harrison Ford and Morgan Freeman among eithers.
I would like that.
I gotta admit I have a tendency to get very star struck.
dont know why really. Just ordinary people doing a job entertaining people. Actually not that big of deal in the great scheme of things. but I still think they are pretty cool.

The Beast, Wildcat and I were out Christmas shopping.
We were pulling into the parking lot of a shopping center There,Parking a burgundy Volvo stacked to the top in the back with boxes and packages, was Kristie Alley. OK WOW! We were just turning into the parking lot and I glanced over at this car and said "Hey That's Kirstie Alley!"
Wildcat said nu-uh

Beast said "who is Kristie Alley?"
so we circled the parking lot and parked right behind her like any good stalker would. She got out looking thinner and blonder then ever before.
I looked again and said hedged my bets with a "well maybe it isnt"

Beast said "who is Kristie Alley?"

My wife said "Nope thats her allright."

Then we killed and ate her.

It was all a jolly good time.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

To finish up the weekend

To finish up here

Lollygagging about




Finally, on the road back to Kansas at around 4ish
Wife likes to drive, I do not.
Wife is possessive of the minivan, I don’t give a crap
Therefore, she drove

I say “let’s just get it done.
Let’s take the turnpike, pay the toll fees and get home.”
She says “yeah”
Then goes the back roads home.


Home at 7pm

I am cold, cramped and tired.

Son is cranky and tired, so is bouncing off the walls to keep himself awake.

Daughter is pissed she didn’t get her way. (she wanted us to drive another 30 minutes to drop her off at church so she could catch the last 15 minutes. It wasn’t a religious thing it was a “wanna see my friends” thing.)

Wife is tired and bitchy because everyone else is cranky

Everyone else is cranky cause mom is being bitchy

And God bless us one and all.
Its going to be a joyful Christmas!

Oh and I think I just broke my son's nose trying to get him and the dog off my leg.
Oh I am just chock full of self worth right now.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Weekend PTII

Ok the rest of the weekend wasn’t that spectacular
We finished the play… As I said, it was good.
I did find a couple of the songs a little forced or contrived.

Went back to Aunt Christmas house.
The Beast and I spent the rest of the night coloring together. We have this HUGE metal box full of sharpies and I buy these really BIG poster sized marker coloring pages from Wal-Mart. It is rather calm and relaxing. It keeps him mellow and focused and I like to listen to the TV while coloring.
Wildcat disappeared into the night with her Aunt to “go shopping.”
They always go shopping together, it’s like a disease. It’s always the same too.
“We have just 2 stores we are going to go check and then we will be back.”

Sure enough.
True to form 4 hours later, we get a call saying they have 1 more stop to make and then will be home.
Of course, all of this is well I guess you could say “under the umbrella” of my wife’s side of the family which means.
“WE are RELIGIOUS and as such WE will do nothing that might be construed as UNRELIGIOUS unless we can get away with it with no one seeing us.”
Yeah, seriously.

I married into a family that refuses to stand up and be whom they really are. They talk a good game but when it comes down to the wire, the nitty-gritty as it were. My side of the family believes that “There is nothing wrong with me and if you can’t handle that this is your problem and not mine.”
Her side believes that
“I am who I am as long as it suits my needs. Please! Don’t judge me.” Buncha hogwash and bullshit is what it is.

Gossiping and backbiting and looking down on people are all staples in which they grow.
I am not exaggerating a point here or pouring them into a mold I am just stating honest to goodness fact.

Anyway, I digress.

I went through all of that crap to get to
...I couldn’t go to a bar or anything. Not that I would have but it would have been a nice option.
So Saturday is shot to hell, but the Kids and I enjoyed some time together and that’s gold to me.
Sunday it was up and off to church. I fell asleep as usual. I really try not to but it never fails. I the hairy eyeball because I have pretty much stopped going over the past year. Why? No religious reason> I just figure I can either fall asleep in public or be comfortable in my own bed. Simple choice really.

Going out

Well on Friday night, the FAM and I packed up and went to Tulsa for the weekend.
Not quite the “city of lights” or anything but it was nice to get away.
We stayed with Wildcat’s Aunt Christmas for the weekend and Saturday they treated us to a pretty good Saturday
Went to a crap um.. craft show where the very aggressive women tried to get you to buy the stuff they are selling out of their garages and basements.
I like these places sometimes as you can find the odd and unusual there. I picked my spawn up a keychain that looks like a cute lil animal cutout keychain but when welded in the hands of a ninja they become brass knuckles or in the hands of my son
a laser,
wolverine claws,
a real longhorn cow skull,
a banana,
a phone
and of course something to pound on his big sister with.
I make such wise decisions.

Afterword we ate big at some Mexican place and then went to a play. The play was a musical rendition of “Little House on the Prairie” starring Melissa Gilbert as “MA.”
Unfortunately Mrs. Boxleitner fell her fool ass down the night before and so is laid up in the hospital pumped full of drugs bemoaning her fate.


85% of this whole trip is to see her (Wife is big Ingalls-Wilder fan)
So we get there…
We climb the 7 flights up to the blood-nose balcony part.
There is the ground floor, then the balcony and then there is us, way up in the “Holy fuck I can see the curve of the earth!” section.
We are 3 rows down from the freakin top!
I sneezed and almost puked from vertigo! MOREOVER, the whole section is set at an acute 90-degree angle and the row between seats is set to a foot wide.
I don’t mean pull out a tape measure and mark off a foot, I mean set your foot down and you have a smidge of room on your left and a smidge of room on the right.
SOOO Guess who had to go to the bathroom.
In the middle of the play.
In the pitch black.
And needed Daddy to go with him.
OH all right.
He jumps up and boings outta the aisle like a freakin-ninja-ghost-super secret fucking Jedi spy.
Then here comes "Eeyore" behind him clomping this midnight tightrope footpath of doom
Finally stumbling out of the aisle as if I was ejected from a saloon.
We make it out to the bathrooms (no problems there) and then back into the hurt-locker.
Luckily, we had Captain Duracell sitting by the door in her sharp blue blazer! This woman looked old enough to be able to reminisce about the days before they invented light.
OH lucky day! She takes out her little Maglight and, God forbid she should get up; she shines out path for us until we get back to the steps.
Thank you so fucking much Harriet Tubman!
Thanks to your expert manipulation of the new fangled electric candle, I am now standing on the edge of a vertical cliff with zero night vision.
Of course, ninja boy has already done 3 back-flips and slid down the railing on one hand and is now sitting down.
Here I come, as I slide slowly down the steps hugging the rail and the wall like a drunk. Muttering “left foot, down. Right foot, down”
I make it back into my seat with a little more ease, even managing a ½ pirouette, ½ flailing as I spin into my seat.
I sit down with a sigh of relief.
1 song later and the house lights come up.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

To all the drugs I have tried before

OK so it hasn’t been many.
I have partaken of the grape, the barley, and every alcohol in between. Enough so that I have realized certain alcohols have different effects on me.
For instance
Beer: makes me “relax” and contemplative. All the worlds’ wrongs can be solved over a six-pack. Beer’s a fun kinda drunk but gives you that bloated bag of water kind of feeling.
Wines: I am not quite sure where I sit with wine. I love the tipsy you get from it and the totally jacked up feeling is rather warm and yummy too. I would say wine makes me feel adventurous. Real Indiana Jones kinda stuff.
Whiskey: Makes me horny. Not the “I’m gonna fuck a tree” kinda horny but the “The chase is afoot and I have some pussy to conquer” kinda horny. It makes me feel seductive and predatorish. Does that make sense?
Vodka: I stay away from that shit. Vodka brings out the dark side and my dark side is blacker then midnight in a coal shaft. It brings out the parts of my personality that seem to be more primitive and downright scary. With Vodka, I feel and act “evil” and I fully embrace the feeling with every fiber of my sodden being.

Now as for other substances
I have partaken of the magical herb on many occasions and to be honest.
Not really my bag.
I remember the last time I smoked some and I ended up calling domino’s pizza for a medium cheese pizza and was calling them back for a second before the driver even made it back to the restaurant.
I don’t think it should be illegal because for one it grows naturally and if nature made it then it just shouldn’t be illegal. For a second reason, it’s better for you and have you ever seen two people get high and then get in a fight?
Yeah me either.

That’s about it for my debauchery into the chemical fields.
I have always been leery of LSD or acid. I have always taken the position of that I am scared of what kind of shit my mind is going to come up with. I think oddly enough as it is and if I try really hard I can almost see what I am thinking (like Jennifer Love Hewitt making advances on me in a skimpy negligee)
Sure, a cool hallucination might be fun but the risk just doesn’t seem to be worth it.
X might be fun but I wouldn’t want to take it and then be stuck in a room with a dozen sweaty guys. Now if for some reason I was stuck in a bomb shelter with the Swedish volleyball team then yeah! Gimme some of that and a dozen Viagra’s (and a case of redbull I hate that stuff but this is an emergency)

Coke might be OK to try but I have a hard enough time with insomnia, so it would have to be a special occasion like going to Vegas for the weekend and wanting to be awake the whole time.

The rest of the street crap really doesn’t hold much appeal.

I have some prescription drugs that I use in moderation. Painkillers and muscle relaxers. The right combination can cause a warm feeling of calm, serenity, and just really put together right.
However, that’s a slippery slope there.
I really need that stuff for real pain and if I start to abuse it, then I can get cut off from my doctor.
After that, the world ends for me.

Why am I thinking about drugs, alcohol and all that jazz.
Don’t know.
Just popped into my head on the way home from work
Thought I would get it out of my head.
More room out then there is in.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Catchin up a bit

Well I did not get the Director of the DC position, no shock there. I was told, however, that they will be giving my resume to the new director to see about getting me over there (to the DC) since I seem to be being wasted at the position I currently hold.
I don’t care.
I am in it for the money.
I don’t count the “who I am” by the job I hold. Sure, it is a good ego boost to be able to say I am the manager of such and such or I am the Director of whosits and plumping.
Honestly, I don’t care if they have me sweep the parking lot each day just as long as it’s more money.
Money is why I work.
If I didn’t need money, I would not work.
I don’t get excited for the challenge, I can challenge myself better anyway.
I don’t do it to meet new and exciting people, I am anti-social as it is and I also know that 90% of work relationships do not extend past the work place. Meaning that yeah you can be great friends and compatriots when you work together but one of you leaves and within 6 months, you will lose contact.
Anyway, guess I am just happy to have a job and be bringing home the money I am. Working 2 jobs really sucks so not having to do that anymore is a plus.

Some other highpoints I have failed to mention:
My wife and her parents built a shed in the back yard over the past few weeks. I did nothing. I didn’t want a shed. The shed we had was destroyed in the ice storm in January and I was happy with that. If you have read along this blog you will know that this is not knew. My opinion at home only means shit to me.
My daughter came home last Tuesday with a concussion from slipping and falling on the merry-go-round. That was unnerving and my wife pissed me off by not coming directly home from bowling with her work mates. My daughter is crying and wanting to go to sleep and her eyes are dilated and she is nauseous. I wasn’t going to take her to the hospital since that would have meant 3 hours of sitting in the waiting room just for them to say “wake her up every 2 hours.”
I am a horrible father to my son and I can’t figure out why. I think it has a lot to do with him being so damn stubborn and mot listening to me. Especially if mom is home, then its in one ear and out the other. I need to work on that.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

11 Rent a face's

Here you’ll find a list compiled from surveys of several top-of-the-line celebrity event organizers specializing in the “rent-a-celebrity” business. It’s also interesting to note that a celebrity’s “asking price” fluctuates with their popularity, amongst other things, probably because they suddenly realize that no one’s going to pay a stupid amount of for some washed up has-been that’s undergone too many botched surgery ops. So step right up and check out this list of celebs-for-hire, ranging from the exquisitely decadent to the…Er…not so

Tara Reid - $3,500 (used to be $35,000 to $50,000)
American Pie actress Tara Reid has certainly gotten cheaper in the past year or so. Maybe soon she’ll be the same price as the one movie she’s famous for…Which she made almost a decade ago.

Nick Lachey - $60,000 (used to be $100,000)
Just like his ex-wife, Nick’s prices have dropped (although not as considerably) to a slightly more affordable $60k. That’s right folks, for the grand total of $60k, you can have the one and only Nick Lachey doing exactly what he’s famous for, which is…I forget

Jessica Simpson - $75,000 (used to be $400,000)
A few years ago she could command an astonishing $400k, but times have changed and the high prices ended when her marriage to Nick Lachey did. Now she earns only slightly more than he does for making an appearance. A couple more appearances and maybe she will be able to get her boobs to match!

Usher - $175,000 (used to be $1,000,000)
R& B/Pop artist Usher’s stock has recently crashed, most likely due to the possibility that no one really likes him, who knows. Now checking in at a party near you for the relatively low cost of $175k, he used to fetch the princely sum of one million dollars.

Demi Moore - $200,000
Still living the party-filled glory days of her youth (for a price, of course), Demi Moore can swan around talking to your guests for the same price as 40,000 hotdogs. With that price, you would hope that she would provide the baby sitter for her husband.

Scarlett Johansson - $200,000
This famous young actress now allegedly accepts $200k for being able to turn up at your party, eat your food, drink your drink and then leave.

Pam Anderson - $250,000 (used to be $75,000)
The two things that made Baywatch watchable can make an appearance at a party of your choosing for only $250k, being a considerable amount greater than the $75k she used to ask for. You must pay an additional 10k for her to keep her clothes on during the event.

Nicole Kidman - $500,000 + A jet
Famous actress Nicole Kidman can show herself at your party for the modest amount of half a million. Oh and you’ll most likely have to pay the shipping and handling for this particular item in the form of a private jet flight over to your place. Most party fun consists of holding her up to the light to see what she had for lunch.

Dr. Phil - $750,000 to $1,000,000
For the price of an incredible house,you too can listen to whatever it is that Dr. Phil has to say. You just better make sure that whatever he’s saying will be the most amazing things ever before you contribute to his $30 million a year salary. For an additional fee you will be allowed to beat him with sticks and throw small bits of fruit at him.

Mariah Carey - $3,000,000 (used to be $1,000,000)
A few years ago, a private performance from infamous diva Mariah Carey would have set you back a mere cool million. However, nowadays a show will cost you triple that amount AND you’d have to put up with her weird demands for a room filled with puppies or whatever

Kylie Minogue - $2,000,000 to $4,000,000
Depending on which sources you believe, Kylie was paid an incredible amount of cash to perform a 40 minute set at the Hotel Atlantis at a resort in Dubai earlier this year.