Monday, September 27, 2010


Ah the greats outdoors. To spend the day outside soaking up the sun and fresh air, to spend time with my son as we just pal around, camp fires, skipping rocks.
These are all good things
I have a job and I believe myself to be a solid lower middle class citizen… why does my family insist on making me live like a homeless person on my days off? Training? Did I miss a memo?

Started out well enough. The Cub Scout “Webelo woods” is coming up soon. Which I have reported about before. It’s when the Webelo’s get to spend some time with the boy scouts to get an idea what it is all about. Always a couple of weeks before hand the scouts all go out and do a cleanup of the site and spend the night.
This was the Beasts first year as a scout (not a Webelo) to do this. He begged me to go with him.
What is a dad to do?
“No son. My laziness and sense of comfort is way more important than your opinion of me and our relationship.”
Not. Gonna. Happen.
So I go.
Overall it was a well and good day that could not have been spent any better.
This does not include the rain, the 20 degree drop in temperature in 10 minutes, the wind that blows so hard that the only thing keeping the tent down is your combined body weight, the wet grass and cloud cover that turns your feet to cold clay.
Yeah. Got hit by that bunch.
The Beast don’t take too well to storms anyway. Lightning and thunder are his bane.
So we are laying in our small Ziploc bag. A 2 man pup tent is not that formidable against a prairie storm.
The wind is blowing the sides of the tent in so deep and frequent that the Beast has resorted to obscure ninja kicks and hits to try and keep it at bay while scrunching himself as close to me as possible.
I am laying there holding the samurai master tightly and reassuring him that it aint no big deal as I am watching the rain tarp across the top of our tent billowing like a sail in a monsoon and planning out in my head what I am going to do when (not if) this thing collapses on us.
I unzipped the one window we had just a bit and that helped out quite a bit but now all our body heat had a way out.
Cant win here gotta go with shell integrity.
Luckily we must have dosed off as I awoke around 3am with the storm abated and a breeze blowing and the most god awful pain in my right side.
First I thought, great im sleeping on a rock. Then as my brain starts to rev up and all sectors are heard from it was concluded that once again I have am soon to be the proud father of a thorny kidney stone.
Stuck in the middle of nowhere.
Surrounded by sleeping scouts and other campers.
Im cold
Im damp
And I am giving birth to a rock.

I now have to cowboy up and suck in the pain. Luckily it was a small one so it passed rather quickly but like they say time is relative. An hour of joy can seem like a second and a second of pain same seem like an eternity.
I get to a level where I can function semi-human like and get my shoes located and on. Quietly I stumble/creep to the car and get my medicine bag out. 2 muscle relaxers and 2 pain pills ought to do it.
Big glass of water too.
Soul sucking pain and staggering across an open field to the facilities (about 75 yards away) in the dark with the cold north wind pushing you back and the wet muddy grass squishing over and into your shoes makes you really appreciate “indoors”.
Anyway after all is said and done I wake the beast up, dress him in some warmer clothes, throw on my sweats remake our bed and pass out.
Morning comes, we break camp and high tail it home.
Sunday I am worthless.
A big bag of duh.
Was it worth it?
To my son it was and that is enough for me.

Still have to unpack the car too. Maybe Tuesday.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

A Beginning...

A dark robed figure sits in a darkened office lit only by the computer screen in front of him.

Mmmmmhmmmmm” He half mumbles, half growls and half hums to himself.
“That just won’t do...”
With a snarl he snatches up the phone and punches in a few numbers.
“Oh hey Adolph. R and D please. Hmm? Oh, this is Lou and….what? Are you serious? Yes, Yes very well then. User ID… Yes! I am well aware I created the rules! Now, User Id number 0000000000000000000 *sigh* zero times 2000 more and a 1.” He intones as he grips the phone tighter in his grasp.
“Yes. Indeed it is. Thank you. Yes. I will hold.”
A tinny sound starts playing through the speaker on the phone.
“By HIS name I love this song.” He mutters to no one in particular “reminds me of better days. Need to make a note to have Celine sing this for me when she gets down here. I am sure it will count as someone’s Hell.”
“ONCE. MORE. YOU OPEN THE DOOR” the figure starts to sing along with the music in his liquid baritone voice “AND I FEEL… oh yes hello... sorry about that.”
“Yes. this is Lou up in collections, to whom am I speaking with? Hank? Great. Hank I need to know how things are going in Research and Development. Hmm? Oh I just need to know if there has been any break through on any new term investment packages that I can use. Yes, group rates too. Mmhmm. Yes. I will hold.”
The figure taps his pencil rapidly on his desktop as he peers off into the distance as if he were a million miles away. Which he more then likely is at the time.
“Yes I am still here. Ok whatcha got? No I have that one, yes that one too. Yes I was able to get the Westborough Church in on a group rate.” Agitated he starts to hunt and peck on his keyboard accessing the data as quickly as he can. “No those are off limits right now. Oh, they get passes during war time. I know, it sucks it really does. By HIS name, we really took a bath on that treaty pact in the 18’s, but who knew these fleshlings were going to start living so long? Oh, well yeah. I am sure HE knew, that’s the main reason we don’t cut deals with HIM anymore. That borders on insider trading, now don’t it.”
He taps some more on the keyboard and desk as he ponders a few files.
“HMM? No I am still here. You know how it is, end of the quarter and all. We seemed to have leveled off over the past 20 decades or so and I …. Oh no, you guys are doing great! The whole Catholic Pedophile thing was genius! I am just trying to squeak out a few more here.”
“Well thanks for your help Hank.” The figure grumpily slumps in his chair and tosses his pencil, which has now turned into a serpent, at the screen. ” Unfortunately looks like I am going to have to go on the road myself this time. I miss the good ol’ days when we didn’t have all this red tape. Oh yeah! It was great! We could just go out and pick those souls like fat tomatoes on the vine. I always had a chance to taste a couple here and there and they were just delicious! Now days they are all full of preservatives and chemicals and all kinds of bent gobblygook crud that messes with the flavor.”
“ HAHA!” His laughter cracks the air like a sonic boom that has created yet another sonic boom “Yes. Scientology does create its own flavor doesn’t it. HA you are a funny guy Hank!”
“Ok well I better get a move on and get packed to go. Thanks again Hank.” The figure says as he hangs up his phone. “Damned! He is a funny guy.”
“Maybe I will start in the deep south again.”
He mutters to himself as he stands and slips on his even darker robes.
“Florida might be a good start or maybe even Georgia.”

OK so I had a song stuck in my head this morning.. sue me.

Monday, September 20, 2010

F.U. DR.


   Once again my disdain for the medical profession is reinforced.
Last Thursday I went to the Doc for my 6 month “how ya doin, gemme your money” checkup.
Blood pressure checked – 187/88 so that’s cool.
Doc comes in sits on his stool and pours over his laptop.

Yes” I say “I have a lot of bleed through pain but I just tough it out.”
“OK. I’ll write a script.”

Yes.” I say “all the time.”
“Fine, fine.. I’ll write a script.”
Wait” I say “I don’t want to give up a whole day of my weekend to sleeping anymore!
“Have you tried changing your sleep routine?”
This is the point where I check my reflection in the mirror to make sure I indeed do still look like me.
Yup. That is the troll I see in the mirror each day.
I look back at this doctor who has been “My Doctor” for the past 19 years.
I’m sorry. What?
Maybe I have misheard. Why not? My hearing is crap from a youth spent around loud music and fireworks.
“Have you tried going to bed earlier?”
I am still nonplussed. I have suffered from 1 form of insomnia or another ever since I was in my teens. After 25+ years of trying every medical remedy and home therapy I am pretty sure that “going to bed earlier” had indeed crossed my mind once or twice.
I have discussed various remedies with this very man numerous times over the years and he has prescribed a myriad of potions and pills to no avail. I have tried everything, like burning the body’s’ energy until I was weak from fatigue and still lay there staring at the ceiling because my mind has decided to run around my skull like a 5 year old with a handful of pixie sticks and a bag of espresso beans. The brain just does not shut down like it is supposed to.
And yes I have adjusted my sleeping routine.
um Yeah. I have a new schedule at work. So I have been adjusting to that, of course.” I reply immediately regretting my words as I have now given him an out.
“Fine, fine. OK great! Now roll over onto your stomach and let’s check your back”

BUT!” I cry, trying to get out all the information I have been collecting to give to this professional
“ I feel ok until around Wednesday afternoon! I start to decline at that point! I shouldn’t be driving on Thursdays and Fridays! I fall asleep at work! I take a guarana, Green tea diet pill and a caffeine pill mixture in the morning just to get moving!”
“Oh. I will have to try that.”
I lost him.
The rest goes by quickly through the normal procedures and a handful of scripts is thrust into my hand.
“Call if you need anything else” He says as I get up to go “and we will see you in 6 months.”
Yeah, ok.
6 months. Right.

Friday, September 17, 2010


   Tasty? Pineberries may look like a blanched version of the strawberry but they taste very different
Grown in glasshouses, pineberries start off green, gradually turning paler as they ripen.
When the fruit is sweet and juicy enough to eat, the flesh is almost totally white but studded with red seeds - the reverse of the usual variety.
Discovered wild in South America and rescued from extinction by Dutch farmers, they can now be bought in Waitrose.
They are smaller than most commercially grown strawberries, measuring between 15 and 23mm across - slightly less than an inch.
According to Waitrose, they can be used as an alternative to their red counterparts in a range of recipes and desserts.
Pineberries will be on sale for five weeks. A 125g punnet will cost £2.99 until April 13 and then sell for £3.99.
They join other unusual recently introduced fruits such as the strasberry, which looks like a cross between a strawberry and a raspberry.
Grown in glasshouses, the pineberry - as they have been dubbed for the British market - starts off green, gradually turning paler as it ripens.
When it is sweet and juicy enough to eat, the flesh is almost completely white but studded with red seeds.
Waitrose fruit buyer Nicki Baggott said: 'Pineberries offer our customers the chance to add a new fruit into their diet, and the berry's bright appearance can add an unusual decoration to sweet dishes.
'As the summer unfolds we won't be surprised to hear that our customers are inviting their friends over for pineberry pavlovas or punch, or serving them up with yogurt for a lighter alternative.'
All commercially grown strawberries originate from an 18th century European cross between wild varieties from North and South America which achieved the sought-after combination of sweet taste and large, juicy berries.
They quickly took over from the tiny, tart-tasting fruits now known as alpine strawberries which have been grown and enjoyed in European since before Roman times.

Read more:
Ok I know this isnt some of my normal crap (but what ever is) but I had never even heard of these before.
Oh to lead such a sheltered life.

Monday, September 13, 2010


Hundreds of thousands of years of alleged evolution.

Brillant *coff* minds working day and night

Trillions upon trillions of (our) dollars in research

and THIS is the best thing we can come up with to save our life in a crash?

A canvas bag that blows up in your face in a nanosecond.
It's fucking 2010 and we are entrusting our lives to a 3 Stooges sight gag?
What did they say "pass" on?
Was it the custard pie on a spring or the live sea lion trained to balance the flying body on it's nose?
The 21st century was not supposed to be like this, people...we took a wrong turn somewhere or just never bothered to continue on our journey. We have stagnated, stalled and a lost with our ass hanging out.

  We can send our thoughts out as words flying across town, zooming up into outer space, lodge themselves into a hunk of metal, plummet back down to the earth with pin point accuracy to another tower and then be intercepted in flight by a box smaller then a bar of soap just to say "whass up" to the person sitting 2 feet from you on a daily basis and this is considered common place and ordinary.
               yet we still drive the same basic model of transport that was created 240 years ago?
Which consists of huge chunks of metal and glass that burn a fuel to cause an explosion and make the motor go and the wheels turn.
  As for safety we have gone from caution (which never really caught on) to a horn (which people only use when pissed off) to a seatbelt (a strap to hold you down. GENIUS!) to a gargantuan exploding cigar trick.

I want my jet pack!
    I want my flying car!
        I want my matter to energy transportation.
            BEAM ME THE FUCK UP!

Thursday, September 9, 2010


I worry about my life
I complain about my lot in life
then I see someone like this.

and I think yeah my life could be worse...
but it's still MY life and I want it to be better!

Is that selfish of me to take everything I have for granted?
That's human of me.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

They are right you know

My sister and I used to always watch the Ma and Pa Kettle movies on Saturday afternoons.
I love this math routine but it's funnier when Abbot and Costello do it.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Make a babe

I am not someone who regularly pines over the hotness of the Hollywood star machine’s latest “make a babe” concoction. Sure I like Angelina Jolie but I like the image of her.
The idea of her.
The Angie Jolie that is sultry and perfect and sexy hot. That’s the chick I dig.

Wavy lineswavylines wavylines

Awhile back I was watching one of the most kickass TV shows ever “Firefly” (and I don’t use kickass to describe ANYTHING, very often). One the show there were some very beautiful women, as shows normally have. Would Friends have been so popular if the cast looked like Tim Conway and Harvey Korman in drag? I think not.
On one episode a character ended up with a wife (by accident) I remember pausing the screen and just gawking at this actress. She was stunning (and I usually do not like redheads) her body was taught and very well proportioned and to be blunt her rack was…outstanding. To be honest I love boobs (but despise the word boobies, go figure?).
                                      A nice set of tits can really add the right curves for me.

I didn’t notice this actress’s breastages at first but then it was “Holy Shit! Where did those come from!”
I spent the rest of the episode with my eyes glued to her chest.

Ahwell another starlet come and gone and taking the twins with her.

A show called Mad Men comes out (guess I need to watch that) And now who is one of the hottest commodities in tinsel town now?

 Why these very same breasts!

                                  I would like to be King of the world now please and thank you.