Friday, October 26, 2012

stoopid humans

At what point as a society did we just turn into a 5 year old standing next to the broken cookie jar going “I didn’t do it”
For instance: now there is a big hoopla going around that 5 people died while consuming MONSTER drinks.
Well, DUH!
Have you read the side of the can?
It says right there “this can is packed full of more crap than your average dishwashing fluid. “
Oh so you can’t read and the big words scare you?
Ok then take a sip of it and if your teeth start to itch and your eyes are vibrating to an internal samba beat then maybe this may not be the drink for you.
But, nooooo.
Because this can is in a place where I, being a person who has money, can buy it then it must be safe and ok.
Dumb asses
It says right on the can and I quote
Max 1 can every 6 hours with limit 2 cans per day. Not intended for children, pregnant woman, or people sensitive to caffeine”
Come on!
You are drinking a drink that reads like a warning label on a bottle of codeine.
Grow 2 brain cells and rub them together.
Unless someone is holding you down and water boarding you with a bucket of Monster this is your responsibility.
Yes. People died and dying sucks but take some responsibility for you.
I swear, nowadays people are strapping on a blindfold and running full tilt through the forest then are shocked and surprised when they run face first into *gasp* a TREE!
Suck it up buttercup.
We all want someone to hold our hand and gently guide us through life’s crappy disappointments and heart wrenching pitfalls.
But lassie is dead and Mr. Belvedere has retired.
Looks like you getta wear the big boy boots on this excursion.

*this post written under the influence of MONSTER REHAB. Combining Tea and lemonade and energy (3 of the 4 food groups)
Try it. It’s awesome.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Damn linear time stream

Read this article the other day
Your kids not eating their fruits and veggies? Here's a simple trick that's been shown to increase consumption:
Well, one way seems to be to simply jazz up what they’re called. For example, instead of carrots how about offering "X-ray vision carrots"? When researchers tried that in five New York elementary schools, kids ate twice as many of Bug Bunny’s favorite food.
A second experiment at two more schools dealt with broccoli and green beans—two deeply unpopular items. But when renamed to "Tiny Tasty Tree Tops" and "Silly Dilly Green Beans," veggie consumption again doubled.
Made me think of when my buggers were small.
When Girl wouldn’t drink her milk I informed her that was GOOD! This was because it was really lizard eyeball juice and it would give her a tail like a lizard.
BOOM milk was gone. She gulped it down like it was an antidote and wiped her milk mustache away with a ear to ear grin.

Son wouldn’t eat his vegetables and no matter how much his mother and grandmother cajoled and threatened him not a single pea was making it past his lips.
I said GOOD! Because if you ate it, it would make you grow huge and green like the Hulk and then all your clothes would rip as you grew HUGE and strong and then we would have to move you outside before the house fell down.
BOOM. Vegetables were gone and my 4 year old starts strutting around flexing and bending as he feels his muscles expending to hulk size.

Not saying look at me I am a genius father who manipulated his children through falsehoods and appealing to their childish side.
What I am saying is
I miss that
Nowadays I just get the eye roll.
Or the “Daaaaaad….whatever”
Or worst of all…
The Ignore

Damn linear time stream

Friday, October 5, 2012

Off my meds

I was diagnosed last year with ADD because hey my kids have it and it had to come from somewhere. I took the tests and sure enough I had it. In retrospect I have always had it I just learned to deal with it.
Well I decided that the monetary draining of the medications I take were too much to continue so as of last week off I went.
In other words I can’t afford them anymore.

Back about 10+ years ago when I was working as a contract employee I was in pain so much from my back that I was taking 9 ibuprofin and 9 tylenol at a time.
I believe the medical term for this is “fucking stupid”
What I was able to accomplish is killing off all the bacteria in my stomach making myself lactose intolerant. Luckily through patience and adaptation I have been able to reverse this affect. I am still in pain with ice cream but with ordinary dairy (ordindairy?) I am usually OK now.

Now that the only meds I continue with is my pain patch I can feel every ache and pain I was able to suppress for all this time.
An interesting side effect I didn’t count on is I am now in the process of retraining my brain to slow down as I am running into a familiar incident where my brain moves faster than my mouth causing a vapor lock and forcing me to stumble over some of the simplest statements going “”. It took me 20 years to beat this before and now it is back again.
However on the upside I can slowly feel my intelligence returning as well.
Itll take some time but I am sure somewhere along the line it will be for the best.