Thursday, July 19, 2018

Ron and Dave on a Boat

A long, long, l o n g time ago back when I was in High School I went camping with my best friend Ron and his family. They were gracious and kind enough to invite me to El Dorado lake for the weekend, this guy whose idea of "roughing it" was a hotel with no attached restaurant and the pool was outside, in a tent.

Anyway we left after school on a Friday so once we got there it was dusk and the sun was dropping fast. Ron's dad backed the truck up to the boat dock and we launched the bass boat out into the lake and started putting out with a hearty "we will see you at the campsite"

So here we are boating across the lake. Ron driving and I am sitting there just staring out across the lake like a scene out of some kind of remedial Miami Vice episode.
Suddenly I hear/felt a "sqish"
I look down and my feet are splashing in a couple of inches of water. I look behind me to the back of the boat and the back of the boat is full of water.

Now before I go on let me mention that due to a mishap at a YMCA pool when I was really young, I have a healthy dose of aquaphobia. It's not a crippling amount but I do get anxious around large bodies of water and, as such, have never learned how to swim.

I point to the back of the rapidly filling boat and yelling to be heard over the engine "IS THAT NORMAL?!"
Ron looks back and looks back at me with his eyes as wide as hubcaps "WE FORGOT TO PUT THE BOAT PLUG IN!"
"WHERE IS IT?" I yell back as the water is now lapping at my ankles
"SEE IF YOU CAN FIND IT" he yells back and goes back to driving but I could tell his brain was now doing its mental gymnastics trying to figure out the best course of action. When Ron thought hard, you could actually see him think.

I went to the back of the boat to see if I could find a boat plug. Before this moment I did not know boats had plugs so I was now looking for something that

     A. I didn't know what looked like.

     B. Could very well not even be in the boat

     C. The sun had dropped out of the sky by now

After a bit I located a black thingamabob and held it up "IS THIS IT?"
So I proceed to try and jam the black plug into the small hole that water is gushing out of like faster then a garden hose
"IT WONT GO IN" Now there must have been something in my voice that alerted Ron as he yelled back
I didn't realize I was panicking however as I mentioned before... I am anxious
"I AM.... GOT IT!"
So, with the hole finally plugged he flipped on the bilge pumps to pump all the water out of the boat.
The water didn't budge.
It was a considerable amount of water and the tiny little pumps were not touching it.
"OK HERE IS THE PLAN" Ron yelled (so many previous and future mishaps were started with those words) "I AM GOING TO GO REALLY FAST

...........Sounded feasible to me.

So Ron sped up the boat and yelled NOW and I pulled the plug back out of the boat
He did circles in the dark, he did loops, he did straight lines really, really fast.
We now had more water in the boat.
So we gave up on the science approach and I jammed the plug back in. I tried bailing for a bit but I had nothing but my hands to use as we finally pulled up to the campsite.
I believe the pumps ran all night long and by the next morning, we had a fully functional, nothing remotely like a submarine, boat again.

The End

Oh and on a side note, later that day we went back to where we had been doing all of our zooming around in the dark to find out that we had been in a forest the whole time.

We should have crashed into a tree like a speeder bike in Return of the Jedi.
I related this story to my daughter last night and all I had to menion were boats and lakes and she immediatly pipped up "You didnt forget the boat plug did you?!". She is lightyears ahead of me already.

Friday, May 18, 2018

We are all going to DIE

Scientists estimate that 150-200 species of plant, insect, bird and mammal become extinct every 24 hours.

Extinct. There is never going to another like it again. Ever.
Now Nature takes care of her own and when she decides it is time for a species to move on that's ok. They had their time and now it is time for another to take its place.
When man steps in and just through a pure sense of greed, want desire we are killing them off.
The great Auk was killed because they made great pillow fluff
The passenger pigeon were killed simply because there were a lot of them. A flock could take an hour to pass over and in one 3 month period hunters killed 50,000 of them a day.
The Carolina parakeet was easy to kill because as a species they would stop to mourn their dead.
Leave it to clay-footed man to interrupt the natural order of life.

Sure, a human plague would be nice to thin the herd but that wouldn't be a teaching event. If anything, it would sway us the other direction and make us feel more self-important as a species.
We need an alien invasion.
Like Independence Day meets Predator
We need to find out we are not the top of the food chain anymore and that all life is important.
We need a humbling event to put straight in our heads what is important.

Instead, what we are doing is turning our home into a barren wasteland.
When my grandchildren are my age they are going to pay and pay dearly for what we have done.

Friday, May 4, 2018

waisting away

OK so HBO/Cinemax had a free preview weekend the other day and I went a bit overboard. I went to the theatre on Friday and saw 2 movies (it was to celebrate my wife and I 27th anniversary)and I guess figured I should not stop there. 
I have Netflix and Amazon so I have never really considered getting the movie channels but after this binge I might need to just to calm my ass down.


Central Intelligence

Alien : covenant

Independence Day: Resurgence


Mike and Dave Need wedding dates

Keeping up with the Joneses

Kong: Skull Island


Miss Peregrine's home for peculiar children

The Great Wall

Game of Thrones

Bits of
The Shack (got interrupted so shut it off)
Get Out (fell asleep) and
LaLa Land (couldn't get into it)
Ants, SpongeBob, etc. (baby watching for a bit)

In the 48-hour period, Saturday to Sunday, I spent 34 hours awake/conscious. I am sure it was less but using 7am as an anchor which should suffice. Saturday I was awake 7am to midnight and Sunday about the same 7am to midnight.

I tallied up the time-spent viewing for Saturday and Sunday by calculating the minutes of each movie. I spent a total of 23 hours and 41 minutes watching TV. I didn't count the bits of stuff I watched so that number is actually well over 24 hours.

I cannot account for those missing 10 hours but you know what? I am willing to bet that I was watching TV.

Granted Sunday I was wrapped around a heating pad the entire day but come on man
It's like I am just waiting around to die.
I have this stupid notion that if I dont leave the house it will not cost me any money. This is not the life I signed up for. 

Tuesday, May 1, 2018

Dogpile on the rabbit

The shits starting to stack up again.
  • Money getting tight. Cars are making noises. Tires going bald. normal stuff that sucks but eat at your cash.
  • Job is stressful. Seems like I spend every day waiting to get the notice I am no longer employed.
  • My health isn't too keen. I am having intestinal issues when I spend the day in absolute blinding pain. I get relief one day a week and the rest I sit on the pain scale rolling back and forth from a 2 to a 9. Doc gave me some meds that are supposed to turn the gut pain sensors back on from my pain medication while leaving the Brain ones still numb, Id say it helps but doesn't resolve the issue, Like a car with no gas and you need to get cross country but all you have is a mason jar of gas each time the tank starts knocking. (You will have to excuse me if some of this gets fuzzy. I took my nightly Ambien and it is kicking in)
  • Daughter starting on a new adventure as a single mother. which for her is stressful/scary as hell but being her parent I cant help but feel the stress too. I can only pray the baby will be big and healthy and come out of the womb with a briefcase filled with unmarked bills.
  • Son has a mental capacity problem and an inherent laziness to boot so I fear he will never become anything. He is my son who holds my entire heart but he angers me with his lack of drive and his wide-eyed naivety. 
  • Then just learn that my wives boobs are still trying to kill her. 5 or so years ago we had a cancer scare and treatment for breast cancer but we kicked its ass. however, now it is back and is going for the other one now. DAMMIT.
I try to count my blessings but when the curses start to dog pile on your shoulders eventually they wear you down till all you can see is just one little beam of light coming from betwixt the legs of one of he bodies blotting out the son.

It would be cool if there was a  pool of money created by the fabulous wealthy, a humanitarian event for the middle class, where they ask you what will it take to get you to zero?
   All the bills paid off for ever (like medical bills and house payments) and the monthlies for at least a year. New cars (well new to you cars) to replace the old, dead and dying, fill your food larders up to a packed capacity and get you all setup with the standards for life like life insurance and fraud insurance
   Maybe even a 2 year scholarship as well for each member. Everything needed to just get you to a point where every paycheck you earn is now a plus and you can actually gain ground from there. Yeah that would be awesome and they wouldn't even just give you the money and leave you to your devices but have people help you get it all done too.
I wouldn't even need too much myself, just maybe 300,000 to get dropped to less than zero.Thats what it could be called too "LESS THAN ZER0"

  Oh well If wishes were fishes the world would be an ocean.
This is not a definitive list by any means I just needed to vent and bitch and roar to the heavens and this is me roaring. No I have to go back to being the rock that lets it all roll off me like water off a ducks back,

Yall have a good night and tell your loved ones you love them.


Sunday, April 8, 2018

Thats some shit


The human body is pretty cool.
You have the same receptors in your gut that you do in your brain. To the point that you, in fact, have a second brain.
"As researchers turn their microscopes to these hidden environments, they have discovered something remarkable: There's an entire ecosystem of bacteria and a vast neural network operating in our guts. This ecosystem is our second brain, and comprises some 100 million neurons, more than the spinal cord. This is not a thinking brain-it does not reason, write poetry, or solve multi-linear regressions-but mounting evidence suggests that your gut's health influences your mood."
 Ok so you have pain receptors in your brain but also in your gut
When you take pain medication (as I do) it indiscriminately shuts them all off both brain and stomach.
Well since everyone is asleep down there what this does then is cause chronic constipation.
You get too full and it hurts. Hurts like you have organs bursting and a spear sticking out of your side.

Thursday and Friday I was fine, just a 1 on the pain scale. No big deal. I was able to actually do stuff.
Saturday morning still doing great. I cleaned a room in the basement so my son could move down there.
Saturday afternoon though the pain jumped to a 3 and started rising
Sunday morning it was a solid 5 and I was bent over double at my desk
and grew
By the end of the work day on Monday, I was at an 8 almost a 9 on the pain scale.

  I was sitting in my car to go home sweating and shaking from the pain and I still had two errands to run. At each errand, I waited for a break in pain waves and then ran in, got what I needed while talking stilted and awkward and through my gritted teeth and ran back out.
Tuesday I didn't even go to work. It didn't hurt as bad as on Monday but I was exhausted from holding it all together.
Wednesday I went to work feeling fine and went by the doctors that afternoon. He had me lay down and thumped my midsection and my left side sounded like a watermelon.
An X-ray was taken and he confirmed that I was indeed full of shit. All the way up. My wife could have told him that.
He prescribed me this new medication they have developed just for this issue.
What this pill does is it goes to the receptors in your gut and turns them back on.

 Therefore, with some hope on the horizon I went home with my 3 weeks of samples and popped one in for the day.
And waited.
I figured that since it was a gradual issue with the pain medication, where the gut receptors had slowly started shutting off as time went by, that this pill would slowly turn them back on over time.

I was wrong.

This pill should be named revelry.

I took the pill about 4pm and went to watch "The Office"
It must have flew down to the stomach breaking apart little escape shuttles as it went and they all started flipping toggle switches on immediately.

By 5 I was gurgling
By 5:30 I was bloating and starting to hurt
By  6 I was back to sitting on the couch with my butt clenched unable to trust a single fart.

I.... I filled the bowl.

So here we are on day two. I know this is just the beginning but so far I don't like this pill.
Oh it seems to be doing its job and doing it well
I took the pill this morning and by 10 I was in the work restroom.
It sounded like a garden hose spraying into the bowl.
I am debating on buying Depends.

So what does all of this mean for you? If you take strong pain medication regularly, watch out for the slowing of your bowels.
If you are experiencing this then there is a solution for you to try.

Today I am at a 1 maybe a 2 at the most.

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Wanna watch a movie?

I spent way, way too much time in front of the TV with the heating pad strapped to my back this Christmas break. Here are "some" of the things I watched in the 10 days of Christmas. This doesn't count the sheer metric ton of crap I started and bailed on because I was not in the right mood to watch it. Here are the ones I can remember over the 10 days
Colossal - dang I thought this would be good. Anne Hathaway and Jason Sudeikis? Sure, but it is a colossal waste of time. Damn waste of celluloid to be sure. It just doesn't know if it wants to be. Is it a sci-fi flick, a drama, a comedy, a quirky fun romp or a serious whatever. It never picks a direction and runs at it but just bounces around which hobbles the whole story.  Amazon gives it a 6.2 and I give it a 2.5
 Autopsy of Jane Doe -- dumb. Not even good for a jump scare. Flimsy premise and just dumb.
 Bright - predictable but good. Better than I was expecting and left me wanting to see more of this world.
 NetherBeast Incorporated - I need to watch it again as I got distracted near the end but what I saw I liked. Hey! That's Steve from Blue's Clues!
 Starwars #7 - always good to watch but it's the same story at #4 just flashier I did go to se the new one but my daughter announced in the parking lot that she hadnt seen 7 so we went back home and watched it instead.
Office Christmas Party - ugh. Waste of time and talent
 Love the Coopers - not bad. Light and easy to digest.
 Burnt - not a huge Bradley Cooper fan but this wasn't too bad. I can see what they were going for and they almost made it.
 Bad Moms - Funny. Worth the time investment. Ending was a little trite though where everyone becomes friends but still good.
 Hardcore Henry - shite
 Religulous - I gotta watch it again. I fell asleep near the end.
 Bad Grandpa - didn't get past the 20-minute mark. I don't think being crass just to be crass is funny. A crude joke can be hilarious if used right but being crude just to be crude is dull.
 Bone Tomahawk - a good western with a horror flick sprinkled in. Kinda draggy in places but solid enough to watch again.
 Would you rather - to be honest this was I think, the 3rd time I had watched it. I just like the premise.
 Larry Crowne - I like Tom Hanks more then I dislike Julia Roberts. Not a bad movie. Kind of bland though.
 Astro Boy - wow there was a lot of talent attached to this movie. Some A level stars leant their voices to the movie. Hey at least china liked it (Japan, not so much)

Series Binged
John Claude Van Johnson - funny and actiony. I enjoyed it more than I thought I would. (watched 6 Episodes/season1)
 Parks and Recreation - always good. Threw an entire Saturday at it with that damned "ok just one more" (watched about 32 Episodes)
 Breaking Bad - always good. Lost a Sunday to it. (watched about 7 episodes)
 Bullshit! - Quite informative. Lots of cursing but I liked it. completed season 1 and working on 2. (watched 13 Episodes/season1)
 7 Deadly Sins - hey it was ok for background noise. Some were rather interesting but most were included for "shock" value (watched 7 episodes)
 Black Mirror - season 4 is good! Better then season 3. (watched 4 episodes of season 4)
 Ash Vs the Evil Dead - a guilty pleasure of mine. (watched 10 episodes/season2)
 Doctor Who - spent an entire day with the Doctor before the Christmas Special which was actually not too bad this yea. (watched about 13 episodes)

Yeah I don't sleep much

Saturday, December 30, 2017

liberals are whiners

I am so tired of hearing that old chestnut "You liberals are whiners" or basically anything that denotes a liberal or conservative delineation.

 lets say you are on a aircraft traveling to wherever and suddenly half way there both pilots are stricken dead on the spot. Along comes the stewardess and she announces to the cabin "Is anyone here a pilot?" 2 people raise their hands
One is a pilot currently and has 20 years of experience but has been suspended for multiple infractions that endangered multiple flights and even resulted in a few deaths. The other is a businessman who has over 1000 hours of frequent flier miles and owns a couple of planes but has never set foot in a cockpit.
Now which one do you want to get you home?
I have voted for a republican candidate in every election I have been able to vote in but that was just by mere happenstance. I do not vote party, I vote on the weights and the merits of the candidate. What I saw during the election was a man standing up in front of hundreds of people and literally just saying what they wanted to hear. It was as if people were shouting from the audience and he was blindly promising whatever they wanted.
"I want healthcare" Ill give you the best healthcare
"I want jobs" I will give all the jobs
"I want a pony" I have Silver from the Lone Ranger waiting backstage for you

It was ridiculous and what scared me the most was people were eating it up.
Ok so I figured voting for Trump is a stupid idea. I like the idea of a businessman as president to kind of make some changes but not him, not Trump.
So I looked at the democrat choices and oh my God no. I could not vote for Hilary and be able to look myself in the eye afterward. She is corrupt, pure and simple.She is 100% politician and that makes her full of slime and poison (in my opinion,of course)
So I threw my vote to the independents and went home.
So now here we are with almost 25% of the term over with and he is proving himself to be incompetent and a joke. It is going to take quite a few years for the nation to get back the respect we had spent the last 200+ years building up.

So stop with the liberal/conservative/democrat/republican crap and lets just call this an American problem.