Friday, May 28, 2010

The Humane Society

The Humane Society
I couldn’t do that job.
Humans do what they can to themselves and each other.
A human is able to make choices which affect the outcome of their life
A human is able to make conscious decisions to create or destroy their life.
But a dog.
Now that is a noble animal.
A dog will take all the crap you want to give to it and still love you unconditionally.
A dog is an animal that will willingly and happily give it's life in exchange for yours.
What does it ask for in return?
A pat on the head.
A god boy now and then.
Just some of your attention. You don’t even have to mean it either.
All your dog wants to do is please you.
He knows when he has made you mad and he will feel really bad about it too.
When was the last time you had someone react so happily just to see that you made it home ok from work.
Ok granted he acts the same way when you just go out to the mailbox and back
but still, he is pretty damn happy you made it back ok.
My dog Jasper knows I hate it when he craps or pees in the house, that’s why he will make sure he goes into the other room as quietly as possible, when no one is looking. When it is discovered and he is asked about it he will fall over on his side like a statue in a high wind.
And lay there with his belly exposed waiting on my judgment.
Usually I will tell him to cut it out, tell him that was a no-no and then take him outside.
He’s cool with that and understands that’s where he is supposed to go but sometimes either no one is listening to him or it just hits him all of the sudden.
A dog is the best friend ever.
I hate seeing it when they these people who have taken on the responsibility of “Master” decide they just “don’t want to do it anymore.”
They will take the unconditional love and trust from a dog and just throw it away like it doesn’t even matter.
How much confusion must be in that animals mind.
How scared would YOU be?
“We are going for a ride! My Master lets me ride in the front this time and I can taste the wind. I love Master and he is so good to me.”
“Where are we? Well I am with my Master and my Master loves me so I will trust my Master and maybe when we get home my Master will give me a treat. Oh yes! a treat! I will be good for my Master and I will get a treat.”
“Master, I don’t like the way this place smells! Master it smells like fear and bad things here. I smell lots of other dogs Master. Did you bring me to a place for me to make friends? You are sucha good Master. You love me lots to do this for me Master.”
“Ok Master I will go with this man Master because I am a good dog and you said for me to be a good dog so I will be a good dog for you Master.”
“WaitMaster! I would like to go too Master! Are we playing a game Master? I like games but this game is scaring me?”
“Master come back! You have forgotten me! I am over hear can you not hear me barking for you Master?”
"…What did I do?"
“When will Master be back for me?"
“I will be good because Master said for me to be good and so I will be good.”
“I will wait and Master he will come back and he will get me and we will laugh and he will rub my belly and he will throw the round thing and I will catch it and we will be happy”


Monday, May 24, 2010


Truths For Mature Humans

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.
31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Sunday, May 23, 2010


Have you ever felt a day bottom out on you?
Like in a car when you are cruising along just fine and then BLAM there is a pothole.

Yeah my niece just hit me hard.
Last year on May 23rd my favorite nephew was struck and killed by an inattentive driver (also illegal immigrant, no license and no insurance. yay.) He has the distinct honor of being the very first vehicle fatality of the New Year.
He was just on his motorcycle heading home from work when he was hit. He lasted for a good 5 hours before his body just couldn't take it anymore.
He was 20.

  I helped raise that little bugger and I loved him like a son. In fact until my wife and I had our own kids he and his sister WERE our children too.Just the good kind. The ones you can spoil and then give back.
 I can still remember those 2 giggling through the night because they were sleeping the night in our closet (big ol closet with no doors on it).

 I always considered Andy to be my favorite nephew. I told him so as well, which confused him at one point until he remembered I have a whole 'nother side of the family.
 One of the best and oft told stories of lil' drew (there's a comic strip title if I have ever heard one.) is the day he was the bug on the windshield.
 He was 4 or so and Andrew and Stef were in my backyard in Wichita. What they were doing I cant quite recall but I know I was at the other side of the yard holding onto and petting my big ol lug of a mutt Paco. Paco was part Chow, part Shepard, Part Lab and part horse.
Paco loved the kids SO much. 
 He would even let them pet him while he ate and not even get  mad when they took the food bowl away. He would just give them that “I wasn’t done?” look.
 Anyway, Andy made a noise. 
He laughed.
  Paco's ears shot straight up and his mouth opened in a doggy grin as he broke my grip and bounded over to his buddy Andy. By the time he reached Drew he was going almost full tilt and he showed no intentions of stopping. Paco plowed straight into Andy and kept going. We all stood there with our jaws agape as we watched this nut-brown dog loping around the circumference of the yard with this small boy plastered to his barrel chest. You really couldn’t see Andy's head. Just these arms and legs flapping about as Paco took the corners like his tail was on fire.
 Finally Paco stopped and I mean he just stopped dead in his tracks and off went Andy rolling and tumbling ass over teakettle. Finally Andrew stopped too and just lay there on his back too stunned to move.
 "PLAYTIME" thinks Paco and leaps into the air to land on the little boy and just starts licking his head and face like a lollypop.
 Squeaky (my sis) made it over to Andrew and helped him get up, brushing the dirt, grass and slobber off of him as moms are want to do. 
 Paco is watching them like “1 more time? Is it my turn?”
 “Are you OK?” Squeaky asked.
 Andy just says “Paco knock me down.”
 And that my friends is one of my favorite stories.
 I miss them both.

I was just recently starting to feel a bit guilty with myself for taking away the attention I was giving them and giving it to my children. I had even made a resolution to start doing more with him when this tragedy happened.
He had just gotten married 2 weeks before this and he has a son (from a girlfriend) who was 4 at the time.
His son looks just like him at that age.

Anyway here I was having a pretty good day, itching to get away from work when a text comes across my phone.

"You know you miss Andy when you see a piece of cardboard flying in the wind and yell "Look at it go!" and then tear up."



Friday, May 21, 2010

The Girl Gamer: Interview with Bruce Campbell

The Girl Gamer: Interview with Bruce Campbell

Time is an illusion.

Time is an illusion.
It is an abstract concept with no real function in reality.
No I am not high contemplating the universe I am pointing out the obvious fallacies that we lie to ourselves each day.
Let me explain
First off there is a whole buncha physics and such to show that time does not really exist it is not a force of nature like wind or space or whatever.
The marking off of nanoseconds to centuries is a human concept created for the sole purpose of getting shit done.
If your one purpose in life is to just live then you will not care when it noon, what time is the best time to wake up, etc. This is why animals do not wear watches.
You wake up when you are done sleeping
You sleep when you are tied
You eat when you are hungry
Now let’s take a look at the “real world”
24 hours in a day – 7 days in a week, etc.
This is just marking off moments of existence and not accurately either.
Let me use my day as an example:
10 hours dedicated solely to “work”
This includes 8 hour day+ 1 hour lunch+30 minute drive to and 30 minute drive from
7 hours dedicated for “sleep” (yeah like that is going to happen! but let’s just say.)
So that is 17 hours gone rather quickly
Out of 24 hours I should have 7 hours left
7 hours
You would think that 7 hours is a lot of time, wouldn’t you

Up at 6AM(ish) – getting ready for work
6:30-telling kids to getup
6:45am – rolling kids out of bed
7am - shocking kids with cattle prod.
Out the door 7:25am – no later or will be late
Work 8 to 810AM – LATE . Ok I fail in being on time this month.
work work work work work LUNCH work work work work work work
5PMish – off work (sometimes later, rarely if at all earlier)
Home by 5:45ish – tired as hell
push for bedtime 8:30pm
9:15pm nailing children to their bedpost
9:30pm – trying to figure out how to fix bedposts
9:45pm – spiking kids drinks
10PM – drinking the drinks myself
Bed 10:15ish

Now where the hell is my 7 hours?
The devils in the details I guess.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

I need to do this.

How to Make a Garden Fountain Out of, Well, Anything You Want - More DIY How To Projects

Chat Roulette and YOU

Have you tried this? If so why and what was your overall opinion?

chat roulette from Casey Neistat on Vimeo.

I have not and don't really intend to. With my job I talk to random people over and over again all day long. Why would I be interested in doing this at home.
At least with my job they HAVE to talk to me as I am their lifeline, their technical savior, if you will.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Job squared

I met a man the other day, walking up the street
He was disheveled and groping about in a most peculiar way
He seemed to strapping something on that I could not see
Muttering to himself he seemed rather pissed off to me.

I had to stop and ask him what would have caused him such ire
He seemed to be happy that I stopped to inquire
"I was an ordinary man once " he started a distant gleam in his eye
"I had it all you see and never stopped to wonder why."

"The good Lord took it upon himself to test me is various ways."
To see if I was shakable in my devout and religious ways."
First he took my parents and burnt them to a crisp
I knew this was Gods will so I prayed for their bliss.

Then he took my kids a blow that hurt the worst
He took my girl and then my boy my second and my first.
I prayed for God's wisdom
for a meaning to his plan
I could not take much more of this
I was but a man

Next I lost my job and wife and my health with one blow
I hated all that was and beat my chest with woe
Why was he doing this I was faithful every day
Why would he treat me such?
I was shocked and in dismay.

Finally it happen I snapped and went insane
I freely admit this I had nothing to gain
I sent the next decade searching for what I need
I plundered old books and my thirst I did feed

I was after vengeance , I knew who would pay
I sold all I had and I still died a bit each day
I kept strength about me through willpower alone
I was going after God He was going to atone

I killed me some angels,
if those creatures can actually die
I even slaughtered demons
For stopping me they all did try.

I used their bodies and their parts
In an old recipe I found

Their wings and horns I did mesh up and
Their bones I did ground

Finally I was done, I had completed my quest
I had the weapons I need and the armor with a crest

cause today's is the day, the day that I will die
I am ready to go now to my battle in the sky

I have strapped on my armor and I am gripping my sword
I am going to kick some ass. I am terminating the Lord."

I backed away from this loon as quickly as I could
I tripped and fell, I stutter stepped
I tried to get away.

He just smiled in my wake and waved a small farewell
Then disappeared in a flash Leaving nothing in his trail.

I don't know what happened on that fateful day
But the universe seems quiet
In a most peculiar way

The birds do not sing, the stars are grey and listless
Each day still arrives and yet seems dull and pointless.

OK I will admit I had a bad case of the weepiness this morning and was feeling rather put upon.
I had an idea for a short story but when I went to write it out for some reason it insisted in coming out in prose.
I ask the muse not why. I just try to get it out before it goes away.
I am putting it up here not because I am proud of it ( to be honest I have not even read it. I just started typing.)
I put it here because it was given birth to as a single thought and each and every post I have created on here deserves a life somewhere.

PLUS: I found this really cool website that you punch in your blog location and it will help you create a real life book of your posts. A very interesting idea, I could create one to give my kids a glimpse into my head for 1 year.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

SOCK it 2 me?

You know in every action flick ever made where some sumo-samuri ninja character
jumps in the air and does some aerial ballet and hits the ground

I am here to tell you that shit is real!
Ok maybe not real but stuff like that can happen in the real world.

Went to the Beasts soccer game after a whole mornings worth of garage saleing.
He was playing mid-field and I had “pushed his button” to get him all fired up.

Let me stray for a second. My boy has a very strong and vivid imagination.
I feel it is one of his strengths, The wife does not.
I know that if I tell him to pretend he is the HERO or the Minotaur or whatever
he can see that in his mind and he can invoke that in his spirit.
Wife just gets embarrassed when he roars and beats his chest.

Soccer game
The Beast is running towards a small cluster of kids fighting over the ball
suddenly the ball is kicked free and coming right toward him

this is the moment when the world slowed down to a crawl
Beast leaps high into the air to meet this incoming missile
he stops it in mid air with his left shin and then just BOOTS
it back toward the opposing goal with his right foot.
All in the air.
He then lands and tears off running for the ball.
I still have grass stains on my chin from where it hit the ground.
After that he was on fire! He played the best game he has ever played.
And all with a limp (he has a spur or something hurting his heel)

I am one proud super sumo-samuri ninja daddy!!