Sunday, November 7, 2010

What dreams may come

Have you ever had a dream where the emotions of it follow you back into the real world?
For instance in High School, my sophomore year, I had a dream where a girl and I started dating and I really liked her.
I cannot remember her name but her face is still strong in my mind and I can even remember to this day sitting in these folding metal chairs in a class and holding hands.
Just a dream, though.
Now in the real world I thought this girl was “ok” cute and good to talk to but that was it. I thought she was out of my league of course ( In High School I thought EVERYONE was out of my league. It wasn’t until my senior year that an older woman boosted my self confidence to a dizzying and powerful height, but that is another story. )
Anyway, one night I had this dream. It was not sexual in any way. Rather innocent actually.
However, when I woke up that morning I had a full on crush.
Didn’t matter what I told myself the emotions were still there.
I puppydogged this poor girl for at least a month until it finally started wearing off.
This is when it hit me.
My mind broke my heart.
Not only do I have to suffer through the hell of High School but now my own mind is plotting against me.
Since that time I have had a scattering of these emotional dreams here and there but nothing this strong.
Until the other night.
There is a woman I used to work with that I had feelings for and visa-versa. Nothing ever became of it because I was engaged at the time.
She disappeared from my life about 20 years ago but I still think about her from time to time.
I have tried “looking her up” but never follow through with it.
Why? Why should I. Nothing good can come of it.
I would like to catch up to her, talk and reminisce and stuff but I also want to be a good boy as well.
I have sown all my oats, I think. I have to learn to take responsibility for my actions as well.
(yes it does sound like I am trying to talk myself into this.)
There she was the other night.
I, of course, cannot recall the whole dream but just snippets.
Basically the overall feeling was I dropped everything and moved to California to be with her by the sea.
The emotions that spilled out when I woke up were almost devastating.
First off I had no idea where I was but more importantly I hurt.
I felt loss and remorse and shame and joy
I was stunned for the rest of the day. My mind was in a rolling turmoil.
It was as if emotions were bubbling up and flying about and my mind was shotgunning them down as quickly as it could.
Sometimes I hate my mind.
Sometimes I just want to stab it with a Q-Tip until it shuts up.

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Thrill me...dripsome brain droppings here.