It's a ramblin sorta post.

Well this weekend was “old Settlers” in Mulvane. This just happens to be the oldest city celebration, craft fair and over priced food event in the state of Kansas. I took off a 4-day weekend because, mostly, it was the final official fair thee well to summer time.
God, I hate it when school starts. Starting from way back when I was around 8 or so I have hated that first day of school. The dread of starting something new. The fear of the unknown was horrible.

Now that I have kids, I get to relive this hot mess vicariously through them. Princess H&M I am not concerned about. She is popular, she is pretty and she has a great personality. She has it made in the shade.

It’s my Beast I fear for. He is a good guy (even from an unbiased view) He cares for others, he just wants to be liked and have friends but so far each year he spends recess either playing by himself or having to include himself into the other reindeer games.
That hurts. It hurts because I know he is a great friend. He will stand up and protect those who cannot defend themselves, he actually cares deeply about his fellow man. He is very easy going and willing to do just about anything to just have friends. Yet, there are no calls for him to come and spend the night over at a buddy’s house.
No play dates.
No “can I go over to so and so’s house”.
Nothing.

I want to run out on the playground and start grabbing kids by the scruff of their necks and shake them until their little eyeballs pop out and clack together like canastas.
Scream into their faces to be his friend and play with him.

My wife thinks it is because he gets lost in fantasy. I don’t think so; he just has a superior imagination. He does however have a speech impediment. He didn’t start talking until late and even now it can be difficult to understand him when he talks. He is taking medicine for ADHD as well as he can be very hyper.

I was the same way when I was a kid, so I know what he is feeling inside.

My rejection didn’t come from people I was raised with though, mine came from always being the new kid. Each year was a new school and having to make new friends. Only to turn around and say good-bye to them at the end of the year.
You all know how cruel kids can be.

He is so cool about it too. He acts as if it is no big deal. He doesn’t come home and mope around about it. He comes home and waits. Then when daddy comes home, we hang out together.
He is my bud.
I just wish I had more energy for him at the end of the day. I would even be willing to accept my hyperness back into my life just so I would be able to have that energy to do more with him. I always feel so fucking guilty whenever I allow an opportunity slip by because I am tired or in pain.

Some days I feel like my kids have to suffer and pay my dues for my past.
Life’s just hard.