Friday, June 5, 2009

Blatherings and rambles

I was a thinking again last night.
Scary really. Why can’t I just let my brain me absorbed into the boob tube like everyone else. However, Noooo my brain has to start running on all pistons as my body is winding down. SYNCH IT UP you bastards!!


I have never been much for hypochondria, rather stoic actually. I have however done some reflecting on my mental behaviors and have come to some …conclusions.

1. I have a touch of OCD. For instance: when I am lying in bed trying to fall asleep, I notice that my fingers start to draw various patterns on the headboard (of their own accord). I used to be a neat freak. Everything has a place and needs to be there. Getting married to a wife that definitely does not believe that and then having kids has broken that. Still I cannot clean up a room without getting pissed off because “stuff is outta place.”

2. I have a bit of the HDAD. When I was younger, it was VERY noticeable but thanks to the wonders of nicotine, I was finally able to get it under control. In High School a friend of mine and I used to have conversations that bounced from topic to topic with alarming speed. We could cover everything from the theory of wormholes to the better Jell-O flavor and everything in between in a span of 30 minutes. He has since been diagnosed with ADD.
My son suffers from it and my daughter shows signs of it as well. I think this is also linked to my insomnia but not 100% sure. That could be just another ingredient in my mushy make-up.

I am rather hard on myself. I always have been you know. When I was in management, I would frequently say that I expect perfection out of no one but myself. (Management. That’s one place I would rather never have to go into again. I was good at it but hated it.)
Moving around as much as I did as a kid, you would think that this would have made me an outgoing gregarious kind of person. Knowing me now, you wouldn’t believe that I grew up painfully shy. I still have a rather large shy streak in me. I can’t walk up to a person, in ANY setting, and just strike up a conversation. I even have problems with calling people (business’s, people I don’t know, etc.) unless I can have all the facts I need straight and on hand.
Huh, just thought of something. I do not care what other people think of me or even if they do think of me. In fact, it usually comes as a surprise to me when I hear that someone has been talking about me to someone else. Just never occurs to me that someone would. However I don’t like looking stupid on accident. I can act the fool with no remorse. I have embraced my oddness and relish the freedom it has given me. I just don’t like giving the impression that I am stupid or ill-informed.

MAN! Life is hard! I can see the big 4-0 from here, it's leering at me from the big picture window. Still waiting for the part where you get to coast a bit, even for a couple of months would suffice.
So complex and confusing and depressing.
Alas it does beat the hell out of the alternative.
That’s a one way trip that I am not looking forward to.
Sometimes when it gets me down I have to remind myself that, at that time, I will be dead and really wont care about much anymore.
At least I hope so.
That would suck.

Look at me, getting a moody and rambling on.
(shake it off, shake itoff)

I think tomorrow after work I will take my mom to go see the new Trek flick. Looks awesome.

Just remember kiddies,
No matter where you go, there you are.—B.Banzai


  1. i, too, am surprised when i hear that people have spoken about me out of my presence and i, too, have no shame acting like a complete moron of my own accord but cannot stand it when people take an impression with them that i'm stupid or unprepared. huh.

    that's really interesting about your hands tapping out their own rhythms. my boyfriend and i both have very mild ocd and his takes the form of finger-tapping most often as well. mine dies when i see clutter so i'm virtually ocd-free. :P

  2. I really like Zombies with some brains left. You're very interesting. I'll enjoy reading more.

  3. @nitebyrd: All are welcome and I dont bite. much.

    @Danimo: Yes. I will be an idiot on my own terms

  4. I actually hate it when my brain gets absorbed into the boob tube like everyone else's. I was raised without TV, so watching too much of it now makes me feel so useless. Although I feel your pain about the brain just refusing to shut off sometimes...

    OCD. Man. Yeah. There are days when I'm ok, and days when I just flip the fuck out if everything around me is not lined up.


Thrill me...dripsome brain droppings here.