Tuesday, July 7, 2009


How was your weekend?

Well mine was just swell.
Except for the bout of narcolepsy due to a defective pain patch, 3rd degree burn on my thumb and trying to blow up my car…twice.
Oh and lousy neighbors
Check it out..
Our neighbors to the west, We shall call them the Asslicks, started Saturday evening off by detonating some military ordinance that just about made me crap my pants.
I was sitting on my front porch watching my kids as they enjoyed their session of blowing stuff up when Mr. Asslicks (who really isn’t too bad but loses face for being attached to Mrs. Asslicks) came out of his backyard party with one of his military buddies both of them giggling like school girls.
From my perspective this “item” they had looked to be about the size of 4 D-cell batteries taped together. It was all white and candle-looking.
I should have realized something was amiss when these GIJoes set this item in the middle of the road, lit the fuse and then ran like hell.
There are not enough adjectives to accurately explain to you what this explosion was like. In all my years of blowing shit up I have never witnessed such a concussive blast.
Glass was rattled, small children we tossed to the ground, I felt a hand made of wind bitch slap me hard enough to send me from the edge of my bench to the back of my bench.
Princess High and Mighty swears she saw a mushroom cloud emitting from the spot where only debris lay now.
Wildcat came out of the house asking “What the hell was that?” She has seen the flash from this “atomic Grenade” light up the entire kitchen.
I myself only saw little bits of light flickering around and saw her lips moving as I was looking directly at the thing when it exploded. Luckily, I am already mostly deaf due to loud music and ill thrown M-80’s as a youth.
Beast was closer to the explosion then I was and his ears are more sensitive then mine by far. He cannot even take the THX boom of music before a movie. I think something got rattled loose, The boy ain't been right since.
OK maybe not THAT far. He’s OK, well as OK as he normally is.
We were cool with that if not a bit jealous.
Beast shoots off a rocket and , well, I just hadn't checked the wings on it. So it fell over and zoomed right through this gaggle of kids and under my car and explodes right under the gas tank. My daughter and I waited with abated breath, me wondering how I am going to explain a terrorist attack on a 91 Lincoln Town car in the middle of nowhere Kansas.
Luckily nothing happened.
Then Beast shot off a second rocket. This one blew right out of it's moorings and corkscrewed right toward my car again. Luckily it missed the car and exploded in the grass next to it. It was spectacular fuckery. The kind of explosion you always here narrated about on those “when rednecks attack “ videos on TV.
Then comes the hissy fit from Mrs. Asslick who swears that she is under attack by the lower life forms who live among her. Cops are called, cautions are issued and the warning of “ keep it under the treetops” is given.
One hour later The Asslicks are engaging in their own lunar excursion as they readily try to shoot the scary glowing ball out of the sky with everything ever created with shiny paper and a price tag attached to it.
I dont get mad very often but I have been known to bide my time for a perfect moment of cold revenge.
Petty? Maybe.
Tasty? Very!

PS I apologize for any disjointedness here. I have been up for 2 days and starting to feel the drain.

1 comment:

  1. Neighbors like the Asslicks just suck. Not in a good way, mind you. It seems like the Asslicks have a HUGE family because some of them live in every neighborhood, in every state.

    Revenge is a dish best served cold! ;)


Thrill me...dripsome brain droppings here.