Death of innocence

I can recall the first time I ever really thought about the future.

It was back in 1980 and I was in the 6^th grade. There was a meteor shower that night so my sister and I were laying out on the sidewalk in front of the house watching the skies. We lived in a small town in California then so of course it was a beautiful night.

As I lay there staring up into the black sky with its millions of twinkling stars my mind started to wander.

I thought about going into the 7^th grade when school started up next and my sister was starting High School.

Then it started to snowball in my head

Then in just 2 years I would be in High School and she would be a Junior

and then she would be a senior and graduating and then moving away

and then I would be graduating and...

It got to be too much for me.

I couldnt handle it.

It was just too big for my eleven year old mind to handle.

I got scared.

I started to cry.

I dont mean sniffles I mean full on no sound coming out bawling.

I ran inside the house to find the only comfort I knew.

Mom.

I needed my mommy.

She was in the bathroom.

I pounded on the door. “Mooommm!” I yelled “I (sob) need (sniff) you”

“What!” she hollered back through the door “what wrong”

but I didnt know what was wrong.

I couldnt put into words what I was feeling.

I didnt even know what I was feeling

I needed comfort.

I needed reassurance.

I stood there nonplussed.

How do I say that I am scared of the future? How do I vocalize that I am scared of growing up and leaving everything I know right now behind me.

“nothing” I finally managed to get out, holding back the sadness in my voice as best I could

“never mind”

“ok well just go back outside then, I'll be out in a minute”

so I went back outside

and I lay there staring up at the vast cosmos without really seeing it.

My sister asked me if I was ok.

“yeah, I'm fine” I replied

but I wasnt.

I mark that moment as the starting of the death of my childhood. Now I know it is not nearly as catastrophic of a childhood decline as some but that was mine.