Proud

I am not a vain man by any means. in fact, I think I am pretty close to being humble.

I did not consciously choose it but I have discovered that I live by the old gunslinger rule.

“No matter how good you are there is always someone better.”

However

there are a few things I am pretty damn proud of

which is odd because I had so little input in their creation

My Son and my Daughter

Man I am so very proud of them

I have mentioned it here before but I was ambivalent about having kids when I was younger.

I thought I wanted them and I felt some kinda odd pressure to have a son since I was one of the last of my bloodline but it was never a pressing need or desire.

Then came that day I held my newborn baby girl in my hands.

It may sound corny but I felt the cement around my heart just crumble to dust.

I felt something stir in me that I did not even know existed.

I immediately fell in love with this little creature and knew from that moment that I would eagerly and readily give my last breath for her.

**phew** at least that’s over

I can rebuild all my walls again with one little niche left out to incorporate her into my so called life.

Then I met my son.

and it happened all over again!

I gave up then trying to rebuild my protective barriers around my heart.

every day a smile or a giggle would just reduce me to a gibbering daddy puddle.

then came the “I love you daddys” wow that was an entire airstrike.

and holding their hands as we walked around.

watching them as they laughed and grew and succeeded and failed and cried

all were just as devastating to my tough macho inner development.

I gave up.

If mushy I am destined to be then mushy I shall be.

I then realized that all I ever wanted out of this life is to be their daddy.

It feels like every day I start not with a clean slate but with a starting grade of F- and have to try to build up from there.

I have never worked so hard at anything before in my entire life.

For me there are a lot of things that come really easy. I only have to put a quarter of the effort into them than most people. This job though no matter how much I put in it never feels like enough.

No matter how successful I might be its never quite enough.

But I keep trying.