Friday, July 19, 2013

brace for impact

You know that old saying that “God doesn’t hit you with more than you can handle.”?
(ok I paraphrased, just go with it.)
I am under the opinion that that is a crock.
My life has been a series of beat downs, disappointments, misery and despair.
I feel guilty about complaining about all my tribulations because I know many people who have had so much worse happen to them. Daddies die in the war, families ripped apart, tornados ripping out people’s lives.
I feel bad for them I truly do but this is my life. It’s the only one I have and it should be better than this.
I try to count the good and focus on that but the bad keeps rearing its ugly face.

My life should be, the one I want:
  • leisure time with enough money to comfortably do what I wish.
(yeah who doesn’t want this)
  • The ability to spend my time with my family and focus solely on them.
(I don’t want to be worrying about this boulder over my head and albatross on my neck)
  • A nice house in a nice neighborhood.
(nothing fancy but something big enough to hold everything and be proud of)
  • Drive a car from this century
(In 3 years my Taurus can be classified as an antique)
  • Be able to send my children to the college of their choice.
(This hurts the worse)
  • To look forward to retirement.
(I’m afraid I will either be dead or eating catfood in a van down by the river.)

Instead I have exact opposites of all of those
Literally and truthfully a complete 180. (180,181 whatever it takes)

I ask myself daily where did I turn wrong.
Which deity did I piss off to get this?
And where in the world did I ever run across a gypsy to curse me.

It has gotten to the point that, and here I am not exaggerating, when an event comes down to 2 possible outcomes. One being bliss and wonderful and the other being horrible and woeful. I always start planning on how to come back from the second because the first just doesn’t ever happen.
“Oh you are such a pessimist, look on the bright side!”
What you are saying to me is, if someone is standing over you with a baseball bat and is repeatedly thunking your skull you would have the presence of mind to stop and think “well maybe this next one will feel like sunshine and daisies.”
Yeah, not me

I’m just bracing for the next blow.

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Thrill me...dripsome brain droppings here.