I would like to thank you all for coming out today, I am sure my family really appreciates your presence. I, for one, do not care if you are here.
I do not mean to sound rude about this but if you have not figured it out yet, well then let me break the news to you now, I have passed on.
To paraphrase Monty Python:
“'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies!
'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig!
'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!
This is an EX-David.”
Wait… you did check right?
I had insomnia my whole life so maybe all those missed hours have finally shown up and I am just sleeping? No? Well, crap.
While I lived I made many, many mistakes. I willing go so far as to say more than my share of mistakes. As Billy Joel says “you are only human, you are supposed to make mistakes.” Well I guess I took that to heart.
However, I did 2 things incredibly correct.
My daughter and my son. I guess you could say it is actually 3 things, as I would not have them if I had not married their lovely mother. Without them I would have been less than nothing, it was for them I gave everything.
If it was not for them I am pretty sure I would have spent the majority of my life living under a bridge, making friends with random inanimate objects, arguing with various pigeons and generally scaring the populace. My children mean the absolute world to me and if they can look fondly back at their old man well then that makes me happy. I just hope that I was successful in my life in letting my family know how much I loved them and how much they meant to me.
I am not going to tell you I will see you on the other side or save you a seat because I don’t know where I am right now. I am pretty sure it is nowhere very nice. If I were to hazard a guess I would say probably Nebraska.
Nobody likes Nebraska.
I learned in my life, or maybe it was from Star Trek, that when we mourn we mourn for ourselves and not for the person that passed. It is the absence of that person in our lives that makes us sad. The big hunk of meat that is in the pretty box here, that’s not me. That is just the vehicle I drove around in. When it was new off the showroom floor it was a good model. Not that pretty but reliable.
I just beat the heck outta it and really ran it to ground. Dad always said to take care of your vehicle and it will take care of you, I should have listened better but as I said before…mistakes.
Well if there is anything to this whole ghost or afterlife thing I will see what I can do to hang around and see about haunting ya’all as much as possible. So maybe I haven’t really gone anywhere really, just consider it a game of hide and go seek and I am really, really good.
Listen I could go on all day here and bring up stuff like how time doesn’t exist, really, as we just made it up here on earth and existential crap like that. I’ve got all the time in the world now but you all have lives to get back to.
I will just close here and say a few parting words.
Thank you and I love you.
Forgive me. Remember me fondly.
And I hope it is a very long time before I see any of you again.
Now if you will excuse me I am going fishing.