Help me help you.

When you are having an issue, any issue really where you need to call a helpdesk there are some things you need to know.

1. Don’t eat while on the phone. The sounds is magnified by the phone and it is really rather rude. Also, unless you are trapped under a burning ceiling rafter don’t use the speaker phone and even then think twice.
2. A conversation works like this; you speak, then I speak, then you speak, then I speak. Speaking at the same time I am will cause you to miss vital information and really piss me off. If there is a pause don’t feel the need to interject with a “hello” or “are you there?” I am on a land line so if you are on a land line too then the connection can be relied upon to stay connected. I am more than likely thinking of the best fix for you and can’t be constantly making noise to mollify your fears of a dropped call.
3. Try to help yourself before calling. It can really save a lot of time if you discover your computer is not plugged in before calling me.
4. Remember that I am not in the same room as you so you have to be my senses. If you can’t be bothered to see where a cable goes then we are done because I can’t see where it goes either.
5. When you call about a specific object please have that item in front of you. More than likely I am actually going to have you interact with the item in question and having it across the room does neither of us any good.
6. Technology is neat but it is not magic. If it seems like magic to you please stop using it.
7. You would not call a garage mechanic for instructions on how to do a U-turn so do not call me to ask me how to do your job. It is not my fault you are not trained. If it’s broke I can fix it the rest is up to you.
8. If you are not going to listen and do what I say to try and resolve the issue then why did you call? Listen to me. If I say “unplug the power cable” that doesn’t mean start yanking cables at random. If I say “start yanking cables at random” don’t just pull the power cable.
9. I only know what you tell me so starting with a brief statement of “It don’t work.” is not going to get us very far. Also “It said something about something” is equally just as worthless.
10. Do not call the help desk to have us teach you how to use Windows, Excel, Word, navigate a website, operate a browser or code in HTML. If you are using a computer you should already know this. If you don’t know how to do something involved with an application, just do what I do. GOOGLE IT!
11. Your station in life means more to you then it does me. Telling me how important you are is as pointless as me telling you what I had for lunch. You are a voice on the phone to me and even if you dropped dead in mid sentence it wouldn’t even be a blip in my day. Therefore getting snarky at me for something I have no control over is just gonna piss me off and you will be moved to the back of every line I can find. I understand you are frustrated and exasperated I am too.
12. I am not expecting you to be a technical dictionary but when you call saying your modem isn’t working when you mean your computer monitor is off is going to send us in a whole different direction and waste valuable time.

These might read as petty little inconveniences but when you have to deal with these on a daily, hourly basis it gets old quick. Remember that common courtesy goes a long way and we have already made a decision and judgment on what kind of caller you are within the first 20 seconds.

At the most, these tips will help the person who is trying to help you and at the very least, they will keep them from crawling through the phone line and strangling you.

*sigh* if only…..