Wednesday, June 10, 2015

The Devils Drug

I seem to have a problem with some of the more basic human functions.
Ever since my teen years, I've always had insomnia.
Sometimes it is slight sometimes it just totally kicks my butt.
In fact, in the past 3 or 4 months I have been averaging maybe about 
2 hours a night.
That's from 3am to 5am and that's if I am lucky.
Not sure what was causing it but I think it passed last week.
I mentioned it to my doctor on Wednesday and he said "Hey! Try Ambien!"
My doctor really, REALLY likes his prescription pad.
I said "sure! I will give it a shot. I could use at least 1 good night's sleep."
He said "be careful though it can cause amnesia."
"Why the hell would you prescribe it for me then?" I thought but figured 
what the hell.
And what have I learned?
Ambien is the devil 
 This is what I would assume a roofie feels like.

I normally toss and turn and mumble and get up and basically turn the bed into 
the linen equivalent of one of those paint mixing machines you see at Walmart.
I took a 10mg pill on Wednesday night, oh about 8:30pm because hey, sleep!
And according to my wife flat out died.
Or basically I was an immobile sack of meat with a pulse.

Until, that is, Zeus started whining.
No, the Elder Greek God did not start complaining to me,(however I wouldn't 
blame him because Zeus sounds so much cooler than Jupiter but that's a different
 train of thought.)
No it was my daughters German Shepard that did.
So About 11ish I dragged my sluggish butt out of the bed and mumbling what I can
 only assume were Celtic magical incantations, because they were not words. 
Or English. Or even fully audible for that matter.
I let the dog out of his kennel and took him to the garage door.
Now here is where I must have not have been moving fast enough because as soon as 
I opened the door I was airborne.
The whole thing is kinda fuzzy so I do not know if I just tried to take a step 
and utterly failed at the simple act of walking
Or I was pushed out of the way by the furry lummox that is Zeus.
I am thinking it was the former but for the sake of ego, I am claiming the latter.
I ended up on the garage floor and where my left foot was flat footed my right foot
 well I basically tried to stand on my ankle.
Yeah it is still bruised and painful.

From what I have pieced together I then went into the living room with the dogs
 and carried on a scintillating and intelligent text conversation with my daughter 
that was both witty and enlightening.
I can vaguely remember typing on the phone but it's like looking through
 a Vaseline smeared lens
 and as for the typing I think it looked more like a 4 year old mashing piano keys
 than anything as dexterous as typing.

So as you can see kiddies, Just say No.

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Thrill me...dripsome brain droppings here.